The Deepest Desire of our Hearts
by bumblebee88888
Summary: Have you ever wondered what Severus would have seen if he looked into the Mirror of Erised during Harry's first year at Hogwarts? Now you can find out with some added drama along the way ! Please read and review. Severus/Albus/Harry/Lily. Canon. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1 The Mirror of Erised

Author's note: Thank you so much for taking the time to click on 'The deepest desire of our hearts'. This will be a reasonably short fic (about 5 chapters, each chapter 4-8 pages long) that primarily examines what Severus Snape would see (in my opinion) if he looked in the Mirror of Erised during Harry's first year at Hogwarts. However, there are a couple of twists along the way ;) I don't want to spoil it for you, but throughout the story you will gain insight into Severus', as well as Dumbledore's, and Harry's points of view. That's all I'm going to say :P

All of the chapters except the final one have been written, so I plan to update regularly. However, as I have begun my masters degree, I may not have the next chapter up until next weekend. In any case, please hang tight, I will update as soon as I can.

Happy reading! I really, really hope you enjoy this story!

The Deepest Desire of our Hearts

'The Mirror of Erised'

Severus' POV

I was patrolling the corridors of the castle, keeping alert for any sign of disobedient students who foolishly hoped the rules did not apply to them. After one hour of monitoring the halls in such a way, I was up on the fifth floor. So far, not a single student had been detected. Although this is the way things ought to be, I hoped to find someone before the night was out otherwise these three hours of patrol would have been a waste of my time. I could hear who I assumed was Filch shuffling along the floor above me. One hour to go until I could rest for the night, to only then wake up to face another day of Christmas celebrations. It was such a ridiculous holiday where people felt obligated to act joyful when they weren't.

I should make a point in saying that the staff were not required to monitor the corridors every night like I was, especially at the ridiculously early hours of the morning. None of the other staff were doomed to such misery. Why? Because Albus saw it fit to confide all of his concerns to me. Of course, I appreciate being his confidante, but I knew that if it weren't for my promise, and it pains me to say it, to _protect _Harry Potter, he would not bother informing me of anything.

So here I was walking around all hours of the morning in case Mr _Potter _should place his whims of pleasure before his safety, which would then require my intervention to prevent him from doing something stupid. Immediately, the third floor came to mind. Naturally all the staff knew what was being contained there, so it was no surprise to any of us that, when Albus mentioned the area was forbidden, the foolish children wondered why. Did they ever consider that perhaps there was a good reason they weren't told?

I sighed; children. They feel they have the right to know everything. But what was hidden on the third floor was dangerous- precious, but dangerous. Yet somehow, Potter with the kind of curiosity that made his father a fool, discovered Hagrid's 'Fluffy' and was determined to stick his ignorant mind where it does not belong.

So like his father. Albus constantly tells me that if the boy didn't look so damn much like my nemesis, I wouldn't despise the boy so much. Originally, perhaps this would have been the case, but it only took a month for me to discover he is every bit as arrogant as his father was.

I continued along the fifth floor corridor until I came across an unused classroom. This triggered a memory of a conversation I had with Albus a couple of days prior. I back tracked to the door and stared at it as I tried to recall what the Headmaster had mentioned to me in passing.

"Severus?"  
>"Mmm?" I had hummed as he was leaving my office one day.<p>

"Next time I am away, would you do me a favour and leave the door to the unused classroom on the fifth floor ajar for me?" he asked casually as if this wasn't an unusual request.

These words forced me to look up from the essay I was marking.

Eyebrows raised, I uttered. "May I ask why?"

Albus smiled benignly at me, a knowing twinkle in his eye.

"You will understand in time."

I pondered his words silently for a moment as Albus remained at my door as if encouraging me to continue questioning him.

"It wouldn't have anything to do with your addition to our protection of…" I trailed off, knowing it was unwise to speak of the substance without placing proper security around my office to ensure we could not be overheard.

Albus chuckled. "Very sharp of you, Severus; it is indeed. But there is another purpose I have for it before I transport it to the third floor," he murmured mysteriously.

"Why the secrecy, Albus?" What other function could this item have except to protect?

"It is one of my more brilliant ideas," Albus smiled at me as he walked out of my office. "Please heed my request, Severus," he called behind him.

I remember grumbling to myself, determined to obey his orders, but not before sneaking into the room myself; if I am to open the door when Albus is absent, I needed to know what any curious students would be up against should they enter the room. But then, with constantly keeping an eye on Quirrell, yet another one of Albus' requests, I had momentarily forgotten about the mysterious classroom.

My curiosity piquing, I turned the door handle to the unused classroom and pushed it open. I had enough time to see the moonlight shining through the window opposite before a loud clatter drew my attention sharply to the floor upstairs. I heard Filch's muffled screams, and I knew he had apprehended a child out of bed. I whipped out my wand, leaving the door ajar as Albus had requested, making a mental note to return to it later, and hurried up the stairs. I was willing to bet anything it was Potter.

After meeting Filch, we spread out in search of whoever was foolish enough to enter the restricted section. No, allow me to rephrase that; we set out in search of _Potter, _who was the _only_ student foolish enough to _enter_ the restricted section believing he wouldn't get caught. If anything happened to that boy… why did he have to take after his good-for-nothing father? Why couldn't I be responsible for the safety of a more obedient, less curious, more intelligent student who actually deserved my time? Of course, these questions were merely rhetorical; I already knew the answer; I simply wasn't that lucky- doomed to be rescuing the kid forever.

After searching for one hour, Filch decided to give up his search. I did too, as I was feeling drowsy, and was certain Potter was safe. I intended to check the Gryffindor dorms before heading to the dungeons just to be sure, when I walked past the notorious disused classroom again.

The door was still ajar.

I looked around me to make sure Filch had indeed retreated for the night, and that no ghosts, students, or heaven forbid, Peeves was lurking around. Swiftly, I quietly entered the room.

But I wasn't alone.

In that moment, I was overcome with a multitude of emotions, and I was forced to pause to consider my next course of action. I had found Potter; he was in the classroom- the very one Albus had asked me to keep ajar, the one that contains the weapon that will be used to protect the Philosopher's stone. Coincidence? I think not. But my immediate reaction was to whisper menacingly: 'Well, well Mr Potter, thought you could enter the restricted section and get away with it, did you? Fifty points from Gryffindor!'

Oh how I would have relished saying those words; it may have dissuaded him from being the arrogant child that he was.

But what I _saw _the boy doing prevented me from allowing myself that satisfaction; I was irrecoverably curious. Albus' 'weapon' must have been the ceiling high mirror that stood at the front of the classroom. Mr Potter was peering into it, his hands pressed up against the glass as if he wished he could enter the mirror. What could he see? Not that I cared; but I wondered the function of the mirror; perhaps it would give me insight into Albus' 'brilliant idea'. I waited for Mr Potter to get bored of his reflection, but for the next half hour he was consistently enthralled with whatever he could see. Fleeting thoughts to deduct points and discipline him entered my mind multiple times, but for some strange reason, I could not bring myself to interrupt him.

After those 30 minutes my reverie was interrupted when I heard Potter whisper: "I'll come back" to whatever entity he saw in the mirror. As much as I wished I cold say it to prove how narcissistic the boy was, I knew it wasn't himself that Potter was so intrigued by.

Knowing I had seconds to make myself scarce, I left the room, being careful not to disturb the door and sprinted into a neighbouring classroom. Like a child, I peeked through the door waiting for Potter to leave. But I never saw him, only a flicker of black as a figured walked passed me. Of course, the boy had inherited his father's invisibility cloak- as if the boy wasn't hard enough to keep track of as it was!

But at least he was gone- hopefully he had the sense to return to his dormitory- I would have to check on him later.

Cautiously, I left the classroom I found refuge in, and returned to the abandoned one housing the mysterious mirror. Once I entered the room, I closed the door behind me, being careful to lock it with a flick of my wand. I approached the mirror squinting at the beautiful gold engravings that lined the top of the frame: _Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi._

I stared at the mirror in disbelief, my gaze tracing the frame in awe.

This was the Mirror of _Erised_.

This was Albus' _weapon_?

I was stunned; I had read about the mirror of course, but it is one of a kind, rare and precious. My mind boggled as I considered how Albus managed to come into possession of it. The first time I read of the mirror was during my seventh year at Hogwarts. Despite the evident deep magic instilled in such an object, I had my doubts about its accuracy and actual existence; after all, how could a mirror see and reflect the deepest desire of an individual's heart? No matter what magic was imbued in such an object, how could it know something so deeply personal when even the individual themselves are not aware of it? Now that I stood before this artefact, I suddenly believed in its magic, not because I had dared look into its magical depths, but just from the way Potter behaved in front of it, and knowing Albus required it to protect the most precious substance in existence. Hell, it must be real.

In the split second I had to guess what my deepest desire would be, I couldn't choose only one. Deciding that I might as well be shown, I forced myself to look into the glass. I couldn't breathe, but my heart was pounding eagerly against my chest. For a moment there was me, staring back with black eyes, black robes, and an unamused expression. I thought it hadn't worked; my heart sank with disappointment, but before I had to time to berate myself for caring, I had suddenly disappeared, and my reflection was instantaneously replaced by a beautiful woman, with long red hair, and green almond-shaped eyes.

"Lily," I breathed, my tight chest relaxing as if I was afraid the mirror wouldn't show me what I knew to be true.

Lily smiled at me, as if glad I remembered her. How could I forget? She looked exactly as she did the last time I saw her during our graduation from Hogwarts, but she wasn't wearing he graduation robes, but a beautiful summer dress I remember seeing her in before I-

I turned away from the mirror feeling ashamed. This was my deepest desire; for Lily to be alive again- to see her standing in front of me- for her to smile in my presence and not be disgusted by the sight of me- to be forgiven for all I had done- for that day during fifth year… for her death.

And for one dangerous second, I believed it was possible.

No, I couldn't stay here; I needed to forget the mirror, forget what I had seen. If I didn't, I would never leave this room. All I had ever hoped for was right in front of me. I had only looked at her for a second, but that was all I needed to know that I could waste my life away wishing it were true. But it wasn't- it never could be- Lily was dead, and no mirror could ever change that. It was a lie; Lily hadn't forgiven me.

I closed my eyes willing myself to stay composed. After taking two deep shuddering breaths, I forced my eyes to continue avoiding the mirror as I walked hastily out of the room, roughly closing the door behind me. I forced myself to keep walking; if I didn't, I knew I would have turned back. I glided straight to the dungeons. The moment I closed the door to my living quarters, I allowed myself to breathe again.

I was resolved to never visit that damned mirror again, but no matter what I did, what its glass reflected never left my mind. I couldn't sleep; seeing Lily reflected so perfectly at me, happy and undamaged was something I never thought I would see again. 'And something you will _never _see again,' I kept telling myself.

It's pathetic to admit, but that mirror was addictive. I no longer wondered why Potter wanted to enter the world it created for him; it was nearly impossible to walk away from it. But no matter how many promises I made to myself, all the self-talk went out of the window the following morning when I woke up to an aching heart, my mind filled with nothing but Lily.

After managing to resist the constant tug in my heart towards the room for the entire day, I found myself weakening that night. Despite knowing that it posed an impossible reality, I was too weak not to return to the Mirror of Erised.

Author's note: I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! This is the first time I have ever written any of the Harry Potter characters in first person, so I hope you feel I have done Severus justice! Thanks so much for reading :) If you liked it, please leave me a review, I always love hearing from my readers :)

Please note that some of you may feel that this examination of Severus' deepest desire is incomplete or not what you imagined. I just want to say that there are still 4 chapters to go! We're not done yet :P

I will post up Chapter 2 next weekend at the latest. My goal is to complete posting this story as soon as possible so I can go back to concentrating on my 'Trust me' outtakes (so sorry to all those who have been waiting for them!).

Until next time, happy reading! :)


	2. Chapter 2 To dwell on dreams

Author's note: Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed chapter 1. I so loved hearing from you all!

As you may have noticed this chapter is shorter than the previous one (it is only 3 A4 pages long). However, I promise that the remaining chapters will be at least twice as long as this one, so I hope that makes up for it a little ;) Despite its length, I hope you still enjoy the chapter!

The deepest desire of our hearts

Chapter 2- 'To dwell on dreams'

It has been many years since I 'turned spy' for Albus. However, the night following my first glimpse of the Mirror of Erised, I experienced a different side to being a 'spy' than I was used to. Considering there was no chance of me being punished or tortured whilst attempting to eavesdrop on two of my students, this was far easier and less consequential to the forms of spying I was used to. Nevertheless, I felt foolish for engaging in such behaviour. But it was necessary; they deserved it, because when you leave your dormitory in the middle of the night to return to a room housing a valuable and magical mirror, one should expect a staff member to know of your whereabouts. It made me cringe when I reluctantly acknowledged to myself that the only reason I was aware of their location was because I myself was headed to the very same room.

There, I said it.

As I wasn't 'blessed' enough to have inherited an invisibility cloak from my father, I was forced to hide in a nearby classroom whilst two pairs of feet shifted along the floor. Typical Potter had to show his sidekick what he'd discovered, and had thus encouraged Weasley to disobey the rules too.

Perfect.

From my pathetic hideout, I could hear the two boys' voices, but could not make out what they were saying. They both sounded exuberant as they took turns to have their deepest desires reflected back at them.

Curious as to what they could see, I eased my way out of the classroom, careful not to make a sound, and approached the door. It had been ten minutes since they arrived, and they were _still_ in there debating over whose turn it was in front of the mirror. I wished I could call them pathetic for fighting over something so trivial, but I couldn't; I had half a mind to enter the room, deduct house points, and send them back to their dormitories just so _I_ could take their place. But no, I did not want them knowing that I knew of the room; I couldn't have them question what my deepest desire was. No, they could never find out- or even speculate.

And so, I waited for them to leave, all the while knowing that I should be putting myself on detention for eavesdropping on something so private. I was ashamed to say that I wasn't discreet in my tactics; I allowed my head to peer around the door every so often, so I could watch them.

In fact, I couldn't bring myself to look away until fifteen minutes later when…

"Good evening, Severus." I flinched at the sudden whisper near my ear.

I pulled my head out of the room, and then sharply turned around to the face the Headmaster.

"Jesus, Albus you scared the hell out of me!" I hissed, angry at him for sneaking up on me, but also at myself for being caught in such a position.

"My apologies, Severus. Were you waiting for the right time to intervene and send them back to their dormitories?"

"Yes," I lied with ease, "but-"

"It's difficult to interrupt them," Albus said knowingly looking straight at the door as if he could see right through it.

"Precisely," I mumbled under my breath, also glancing towards the door, curious as to what the Headmaster was staring at.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Albus study me, the door no longer of interest to him apparently. If he had detected my deception, I could be in trouble; he couldn't know that I wanted to stand where they stood.

"He's not so different from you, Severus," Albus stated suddenly as if this would comfort me somehow. I hated it when Albus became cryptic.

"Who?" I snapped at him, being careful to keep my voice down.

"Harry," Albus replied with a sigh, and I could tell he empathised with the boy and whatever his heart most desired.

Nevertheless, I felt my blood begin to boil; how dare the man compare me to such a child?  
>"I see you are not impressed," Albus commented without looking in my direction, his gaze resuming its fixation on the door. "I wonder, in the time you've been standing here, have you been able to determine what Harry sees?"<p>

No, I hadn't managed to gather that- only what Mr Weasley saw as he was careless enough to speak loudly of his being Head Boy and holding the Quidditch Cup.

I shook my head at Albus.

Albus looked at me sceptically, but made no further comment.

"I suppose you do, however?" I pushed the man, wondering how he could possibly know the answer to his own question given he was 'away' last night, and had arrived after myself on this most recent visit of Potter's.

Albus chuckled quietly. "It is not difficult to determine," he commented, but then his face became serious as if Potter's desire was not to be laughed at.

"Do you intend to share your knowledge with me, or do you enjoy having me stand here seething in silence?" I demanded, infuriated that Dumbledore saw it fit to hint at a similarity between myself and Potter, but then refuse to elaborate.

Finally, Albus gave me the curtesy to avert his eyes from the door in order to look at me.

"Mr Potter sees his family standing around him, silently offering him their love and support. They all have eyes, noses, even knees similar to his- signs that he belongs with them. And naturally at the forefront of this image are his parents, Lily," Albus paused to look significantly at me, "and James."

Albus watched me as if expecting words to come out of my mouth, but I couldn't verbally respond. I had wondered what the boy saw and now that I knew the answer, for I had no doubt Albus was right, it seemed obvious. Of course, for a child who was orphaned at the age of one to then discover ten years later than he was 'the boy who lived,' would naturally wish to know where he came from- to see his parents by his side supporting him.

But Albus did not comment on my lack of insight in regards to Potter's heart, which left me silently demanding an explanation for the Headmaster's continued stare. As I should have expected, he did not oblige my non-verbal request with an answer. In irritated silence, I glared at him, his words echoing in my mind.

'… his parents, Lily…' that _pause. _

It made me question whether Albus had been spying on me too. Was the similarity he eluded to our tie to Lily? How dare Albus seek to connect myself to such a child?

Anger at the unjust comparison left me livid. My lips were pressed tightly together; my hands clenched into fists- that boy's love for his mother was _nothing _compared to-

I shook my head free of what I was going to think; _nothing _could ever compare, there was no need for me to voice this to myself; deep in my heart I already knew _no one's_ love for her could rival my own.

"Have you been spying on me too?" I whispered aggressively. "Is this why you wanted me to leave the door ajar? Because you hoped I would walk inside? That Potter would? Are you really that curious? It is one thing to eavesdrop on us-" But I stopped hissing my words when I saw Albus' eyebrows rise.

"What?" I growled at him, my temper rising at his perceived superiority.

"With regard to the door, that was indeed my plan. However, in both cases, there was no need for me to eavesdrop. Knowing you as I do, Severus, I had no reason to listen to what was said during your previous visit here; I already knew what you would see," he replied gently.

Was I really so transparent? For a second I feared I was. But then I remembered who I was talking to: the only man who knew for whom I had altered my allegiance.

Lily.

Rather than continuing to harp on further about what I may or may not have seen in the mirror, Albus instead went off on a tangent.

"It is hard to hate someone when all they desire is to be with their family again- to know those who loved them, and still do I'm sure."

"Yes, well," I muttered bitterly, knowing Albus was subtly referring to Potter. "What I desire is as impossible as his- Lily is dead- she cannot return to _either_ of us."

Albus looked at me strangely then, his eyebrows narrowed in confusion. I looked enquiringly back at him; why was he _looking_ at me that way? But the next moment, his confusion was erased from his face, and replaced with a silent confidence, his eyes twinkling in the wand light as if he knew me better than _I_ did.

Before I could question him, Mrs Norris meowed from behind us, her large eyes staring as if accusing Professors of Hogwarts for not disciplining the students she was about to fetch her master for.

"Try to hate Harry a little less, Severus; your dreams aren't so different," Albus whispered gently to me, and then walked off. "He loves her too," I heard Dumbledore add under his breath.

I huffed in frustration, and then walked off in the opposite direction, almost kicking Mrs Norris as I went. She hissed at my heels, but I didn't care; I felt irritated and frustrated by Albus' request and the comment that followed.

Never would I stand to be compared to Potter again. To even _suggest_ that a similarity in our desires would engender _any_ form of empathy from me was preposterous.

I snorted; Albus didn't know me at all.

The boy didn't even know his mother; he loves her simply due to his biological relationship with her. But_ I_ knew her- I can vividly recall almost every moment I spent with her. After everything we had been through, after everything I have _done _my desire and love for Lily has only intensified. I dreamed of seeing her again, to be forgiven for my errors, but the strength of that desire should never be compared to Potter's; he could never hope to understand such love and devotion.

I shook my head in pessimistic amusement. There was absolutely no comparison.

And as for Albus even _suggesting_ that the boy deserved a reprieve of my hate of him?

Never; he was his father all over again.

Albus Dumbledore was out of line, but why he was trying to improve my opinion of the boy was something I could not fathom. So what if we were both dwelling on our dreams? What was it about the precious Harry Potter that entitled him to special treatment from me? Nothing- absolutely nothing... except perhaps being Lily's son.

I shook my head furiously to get rid of my thoughts; I could not think of him that way; he is _Potter's_ son- he deserves my hostility and contempt.

Regardless of what Albus may have hoped for that night, there was no way he could convince me to hate Potter any less. Albus would have to take my secret to his grave; that boy will never know of my love for Her. I would never tell him what I see in the Mirror of Erised; he wouldn't understand…

Author's note: I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. I know not much happens, but I hope you found my portrayal of Albus and Severus' relationship interesting (as it will pop up again later). I promise that the next chapter will have _much_ more drama and will be reasonably long (currently at 5 A4 pages). I can't wait for you guys to read it as it would have to be my favourite in this story of mine :D

Once again, I will try to have Chapter 3 up within the next week.

Please remember to review and let me know what you think! Thank you!


	3. Chapter 3 Deepest desire of our hearts

Author's note: Hi everyone. I'm so sorry for the delay in my update; I had a hectic week this week, and I found this chapter harder to complete than I thought!

Thank you to everyone left me reviews for the previous chapter- I so appreciate it! I am glad you guys like my story so much!

As I mentioned at the end of the previous chapter, this one is my favourite in this story. As I traditionally do, I have named this chapter after the title of the story. And so, I sincerely hope you enjoy the journey this segment entails :)

Happy reading!

The deepest desire of our hearts

Chapter 3: 'The deepest desire of our hearts'

Severus' POV

I struggled to sleep that night though probably not for the reasons you would imagine. It wasn't that Potter saw his mother in the Mirror of Erised; in fact, it would have been unusual if he _hadn't. _It wasn't even that Albus had the hide to compare me to the likes of that boy which kept me tossing in my sleep. No, it was Albus himself; the brief expression that passed across his face kept haunting me; it _meant _something, I was sure of it. The short transition in his face from confusion to certainty was most definitely there, and I could not shake the feeling from my mind that it was important. After three hours of contemplation, I concluded that he was silently challenging my interpretation of what I saw in the mirror. It enraged me that he dare question something so personal. What I desired most was for Lily to be living, and myself to be forgiven for all the unspeakable things I had done. That was it, plain and simple.

But my mind would not allow me to simply accept this, no matter how certain I was. Thus, it was only when I promised myself to visit that god-forsaken mirror again that I was able to fall into a slumber.

The following night I found myself once again sneaking around the castle like a student would when they knew they were doing something wrong. And this was wrong- this mirror reflected nothing but my deepest desire. Nevertheless, I needed to reassure myself that I was right- that Albus' expression was merely speculation. I wished I could convince myself that what I see in the mirror didn't matter; as long as I knew my truest desire why should I care if someone else thinks differently?

Perhaps I simply wanted an excuse to return to the mirror, because whether real or a dream, it captivated me like nothing else had.

I took a detour via the Gryffindor Tower to make sure Potter was still in his dormitory. He was- the boy had better stay there.

Now that I was reassured I would have no competition for the mirror, I walked swiftly down two flights of stairs to the fifth floor, being careful to dodge a prowling Mrs Norris, and a chortling Peeves.

At last, I made it to the unused classroom, and let myself in before I was caught. I quickly scanned the room to make sure it was uninhabited, my gaze eventually resting on the mirror.

My legs felt like led as I forced myself to stand in front of the magical, gold-framed artefact. My heart was pounding in my chest in anticipation of seeing Lily again, to see her smile, and feel her forgiveness. My heart fluttered with the thrill of having a few precious moments with her. Now that I knew what to expect, I was prepared for what I'd see, but the soaring in my chest was something I would never get used to- the feeling that all was right in the world. The moment I saw Lily smiling at me, I knew I would have difficulty walking away this time- I never wanted to lose that possibility of forgiveness, of her being alive, that my mistake hadn't cost her life…

I felt a quiet, restrained sob escape my lips, and shook my head to stop the tears stinging my eyes from falling.

_What was I doing?_

_I shouldn't be here. _

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm myself down.

_No mirror can make up for what you've done, _I reminded myself harshly; this was not the time for me to forget that what I was seeing was not reflective of reality. Taking another shuddering breath, I opened my eyes. Lily was still standing before me, smiling serenely.

_This is not real, _I told myself firmly, my heart fluttering inside my chest as if in silent protest to my thoughts.

Then Lily began to do something I had not seen last time: her mouth moved.

She was talking- trying to give a message, I was certain of it. I watched in anticipation as her lips moved repeatedly, the same four words one after another, but I couldn't make it out. I inched closer to the mirror, my eyes squinted in concentration.

When I was a foot from the towering glass, Lily slowed down the movement of her lips as if she wanted me to understand her.

Finally, I was able to comprehend what she was trying to tell me, my eyes tracing every inch of her lips as she spoke to me:

'I… love… you… Sev.'

Four words. Four simple words that together made me hope as I had never hoped before.

My heart raced, my stomach lifted pleasantly, and my eyes were filled with tears of joy- it was amazing to feel how those words affected me.

Suddenly I felt my knees plough into the tile that covered the classroom floor, but the pain barely registered in my mind. My eyes were glued to the mirror, at the beautiful woman in front of me who was telling me that she shared my feelings- that she loves me too.

I hardly knew myself in those moments. I never truly believed Lily loved me, but of course, it was a hope that I had carried with me since I was a child. Lily being alive, Lily's forgiveness was something I wanted, but being loved by her conquered every other dream I could have for myself. This… this was the reality my heart longed for- this was the true desire of my heart.

As I kneeled before that mirror, my vision becoming blurry from my tears; I felt unimaginably _happy._ Lily _could _have loved me; the possibility was in front of me- so clear and so _real_. To be loved by her would mean that she cared- that she may be watching over me, and now how sorry I am.

I could look at that mirror for the rest of my life, see those words repeated from Lily's lips over and over again, knowing that she no longer despises me for who I am.

I hastily brushed the tears from my eyes eager to see Lily clearly once more. She was smiling at me- just as I remembered her, wearing the most stunning dress I had ever seen her in. This could easily be real, and for once I allowed my heart to conquer my reasoning.

Again Lily's lips moved in the same formation.

'I love you, Sev.'

Now that I was recovering from the onslaught of emotions that threatened to consume me, my heart urged me to respond to her words:

"I love you too," I whispered as my body shook with the relief I felt upon saying those words, as well as the power with which I felt that love for her. For years, my conscience was plagued with guilt regarding that despicable name I called her, as well as my part in her death. But in this moment, that pain disappeared; Lily was here now- she loved me- nothing could ever be so precious. I buried my face in my hands trying to master my feelings, so that I could relish this moment.

Tears were sliding down my cheeks relentlessly. It would be impossible to describe all I felt; there were no words that contained the amount of power I required. Feeling overwhelmed, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and then lifted my head to face Lily again. When I opened my eyes, I was shocked to find that Lily was no longer standing in front of me; she was leaning on the gold frame. Lily was watching my carefully, her eyes watery with tears as she observed me struggle with emotions that were so powerful they rendered me incapable of movement. Her delicate fingers gently grasped the frame in which she was encased, and I knew she was empathically watching me, that she wished to relieve me of my pain and be here to show just how much she loved me…

I gasped; the sudden sound from my mouth terrified me. In a matter of seconds every positive feeling I had turned into rage at my stupidity.

_Are you blind? _I demanded of myself. _She only exists in the god damn mirror! You should have realised; no one could love you after what you have __done__!_

My fist swung out from my side and collided with the wooden leg of the desk next to me which shook precariously.

I swore loudly, not in response to the physical pain; I couldn't have cared less, but in emotional agony and frustration.

A sob escaped my lips as I once again buried my face in my hands, hiding my anguish and trying to stem the flow of tears that escaped me. This experience quickly went from being the very best of my life to one of the most torturous I have endured- _ever. _

Although possible, this 'love' from Lily was not a reflection of truth, but a reflection of what I desperately sought. I had spent the last twenty minutes feeling happy- feeling loved because of a _mirror_!

I found it difficult to breathe, my lungs struggling to inhale the air around me as I used my palms to force the image of Lily's face and those four precious words out of my mind.

I should not be here; if I didn't forget what I had seen, I would physically be incapable of leaving; my body would not be able to fight against the deepest longings of my heart. My own desires would trap me- I could remain in front that mirror, and die happily there, as long as I could see the life I always dreamed of having. Why did it matter if this would mean being forever separated from Lily by a sheet of glass?

Do not judge me for momentarily considering such an existence.

And for five brief, agonising seconds, I truly considered it because I could see no alternative; my heart was pulling me towards the mirror as if begging me to stay.

In those briefs seconds, I kept forcefully reminding myself that this- wasn't- real. What is the point of living your life feeling loved when you're not?

My voice broke as I sobbed harder, ashamed of myself for wanting her love _that _much.

No, I had to leave; this- I couldn't live like this- I wasn't ignorant of what I was really seeing. I forced myself to lift my head. As I wiped away my tears, I immediately noticed that I could see my reflection, and Lily was now kneeling next to me, both of her hands wrapped around my right upper arm. I naturally looked to my right foolishly hoping that Lily would be there, but of course, I should have known she wouldn't be. I turned back towards the mirror, and saw Lily bend closer to me, her lips tenderly kissing my arm- the one she held so delicately in her hands. When she raised her head to look into my eyes, I knew she wanted to make me feel better- that she was here for me.

I forced my eyes shut; I _needed _to leave.

The sympathetic look in Lily's eyes was there because _I_ wanted it to be, I reminded myself harshly, frustrated that my heart and mind were so desperately struggling against one another. I needed my logic to conquer, but no matter how hard I tried, no words could tell my heart how to feel.

Instead of comforting me, Lily's image now reminded me of what I had lost. Whenever I was upset as a child, Lily would kiss my arm to comfort me. Every second I spent looking into the mirror the more pain I felt; if Lily ever did love me, I had lost that love, lost her respect… lost her. This new perspective of what the mirror showed was all at once my deepest desire, and a torturous reminder of what losing her friendship had cost me.

It had been for many minutes that I knew I needed to walk away from that mirror and somehow bar it from my thoughts, but I was unable to move from my position on the ground. Lily was still next to me, her bright green eyes staring longingly into mine almost as if she wanted me to stay.

_Enough. Get up, Severus, _I demanded of myself.

I exhaled, exasperated as I struggled to stand, my legs shaking beneath me. I couldn't have her hold me any longer to plead for me to stay; staying doesn't solve anything; she- is- _dead._

I looked down into the mirror as I watched Lily remain kneeling on the ground, no longer able to 'touch' me. For a moment I felt a great sense of loss, almost as if I had lost her all over again. Unable to look at her any longer, I forced my eyes away from the mirror as I stared out the window into the star-filled night, tears pouring silently down my face.

Somewhere in the heavens, fate had decided that I had not suffered enough for one day. I was barely given a moment to grieve- to comprehend what I had just done, when the door to the classroom swung open.

But no one entered.

I glared towards the door, hyper vigilant for any evidence of my intruder. I would have bet my life it was none other than Mr Potter hidden beneath his invisibility cloak, but of course I couldn't say as much; I didn't want the kid knowing that I knew where he'd been coming all this time.

"Who's there?" I asked, feeling stupid, though cautious at the same time. After all, there was a small chance that it _wasn't_ Potter.

Still there was no reply.

Realising that it would be blatantly obvious that I had been upset, I decided to adopt an air of anger and rage, which was not completely removed from how I felt anyway.

"I know someone is in here," I said authoritatively, my wand drawn as I moved cautiously towards the door. It was possible that the intruder had fled, but I had the feeling that someone was in the room watching me. I was waiting for them to crack under my scrutiny, but I heard nothing. Already bored with the situation, my heart tried to draw my attention back to the mirror behind me.

_No, _I berated myself; I needed to discover the identity of the person watching me- I hated the distracted, undisciplined person I had become in the last couple of days.

"Show yourself this instant," I insisted, "or you will receive a week's worth of detentions!" I threatened to then realise that I couldn't give detention to a student without first knowing their identity.

When there was still no response, I was certain it was Potter there with me- only he would be arrogant enough to think he could hide from me forever. So I decided to change tactic; I was losing my patience.

"For roaming the castle after hours, Gryffindor loses 50 points," hissed menacingly in my attempt to draw the boy out.

"What?" Potter objected as he whipped off the cloak, staring indignantly at me a mere three meters away.

He was so predictable.

"That's unfair! You can't do that!" he protested.

I sneered at him, glad to feel like myself again.

"Well Mr Potter, this is what happens when you think the rules are beneath you."

"I don't-"

"Silence!"

The boy humphed in annoyance, and then briefly looked towards the mirror, then back at me. For the briefest second, I tensed in anticipation of Potter asking me the one question I dreaded to hear from him. Thankfully, the child remained focus on himself.

"How did you know it was me anyway? It could have been anyone," he pointed out.

"Only a Potter could impinge on someone's privacy, and then choose remain hidden in the hope they're not caught!" I spat in the boy's face as I approached him. "And in case you weren't aware, you are the only student able to make yourself invisible," I whispered sarcastically as I eyed the material he held in his hands.

Potter narrowed his eyes at me.

"What did you see in the mirror?" he dared ask me, his head tilted slightly almost as if he were _concerned. _Immediately, I felt a lump in my throat, and I felt my hands begin to shake both in rage and fear that he would somehow discover the truth.

I looked into his eyes, Lily's eyes and knew I couldn't stay in his presence any longer if I wished to maintain control over myself.

As always, Potter's query was over the line- I was not about to answer it. Nevertheless, after everything I had been through, seeing Lily's eyes in that boy… I felt uncomfortably awkward. I eyed one wall of the room and then the other, unable to look him in the eye.

"You are not to ask people such things," I hissed, and I was glad the boy flinched slightly at the underlying threat in my tone. The boy stayed silent, but I could feel his eyes on me. I took deep, though quick breaths to calm myself down.

_You're being pathetic, Severus; just push past the boy for crying out loud!_

Potter gazed at me strangely as if unsure whether I was about to yell at him or break down in tears.

This had to stop- I was not an emotional person- I couldn't afford to be.

Eventually mastering myself, I took my own advice and pushed past the boy, heading hastily towards the door.

"Let this be a lesson to you not to go wandering around after hours," I barked at him.

"But you haven't given me a detention!" Potter pointed out in disbelief.

"Do you _want _a detention?" I screamed at him, "because I have all the time in the world to give you several!"

Potter stared at me, clearly shocked by my outburst. His green eyes were wide with panic- he knew I was livid.

"Get to bed; I have far more important things to do than deduct house points from students who deserve no such attention!" Those were my final parting words, as I walked swiftly out of the room, and I didn't stop until I reached the privacy of my quarters. I knew the boy wouldn't obey me; he was as captivated by that mirror as I was. For the first time in my life, I didn't have the energy to punish him further for breaking the rules.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Albus' POV

I found Harry sitting cross-legged in front of the Mirror of Erised gazing longingly into its depths. I removed my disillusionment charm so I would appear directly behind the boy. I stood there for a moment idly watching him, as I thought of what I must do.

I knew Harry would be returning to this room tonight; he, like many others found the refuge, hope, relief, and fulfilment from witnessing what the mirror has to offer. Despite knowing that his parents and family have passed on, I felt the boy was in danger of becoming, shall we say, 'addicted' to the possibilities placed before him. I had great plans for the mirror with regard to its protecting the Philosopher's Stone, but before executing these, I needed Harry to witness the nature of the mirror and what it _gives _to those who look into its depths. Thankfully, the slightly ajar door worked a treat two night's prior, but now the mirror needed to be moved to a new location, and I couldn't have Harry searching for it. I needed to speak with him about his experiences; I would never forgive myself if I had doomed the boy to an eternity of false hope that would prevent him from having the future I knew he needed to lead.

Naturally, the boy was surprised to learn of my presence. Once I had explained myself and probed his intellect for his understanding of what the mirror shows us, I informed him of my general concern that people have wasted away their lives in front of it- that such dreams should not be dwelled on in favour of living. Thankfully the boy took me seriously. When I informed him that the mirror shows us the deepest desire of our hearts, I noticed his eyebrows rise in surprise, and he started almost as if in protest, but then his expression became one of confusion. At first, I thought that perhaps Harry did not believe this to be true- that what he saw was not, in his opinion, his deepest desire.

But I was wrong; I had completely misconstrued his silent thoughts.

After a moment of contemplative silence, Harry asked me suddenly.

"Do you know what Snape sees when he looks in the mirror?"

His question surprised me; I could barely conceal my shock.

"_Professor _Snape, Harry," I corrected the boy. "And no, I do not know," I lied swiftly. "Why do you ask?" I enquired, intensely curious to know the grounds of his question.

"Oh- well…" Harry trailed off, clearly feeling guilty, "He was in here before me; I sort of walked in when he was standing in front of it."

_Oh dear, _I thought solemnly to myself. _Of all the people who could have walked in when Severus was at his most vulnerable… Thankfully he would not have been able to see Severus' desire._

"Ah, I see," I replied, pausing for a moment in contemplation, concerned that perhaps I had been negligent in notifying my Potions Masters of the risks involved in returning to the Mirror of Erised.

After a moment's silence, Harry broke it.

"You really don't know?" Harry probed, his curiosity evident, though I could tell he felt disappointed to not have an answer.

"I don't Harry, but may I ask why you are so curious?"

"Well Snape- Professor Snape seemed really mad. He was so furious that he wasn't thinking straight. He deducted points from me, but forgot to give me detention. He just wasn't himself…"

Harry's report intrigued me; why was Severus so angry, and so distracted? I would have thought the mirror would have provided him with some relief, but perhaps Severus' reasoning prevented him from enjoying that moment for as long as he deserves?

"I am sorry Harry, I cannot tell you what he saw," I said truthfully and sincerely, though I doubted he would pick up on the subtle alteration in the words I used to decline his request. "But I am sure Professor Snape will be back to his usual self tomorrow. Try not to dwell on it too much," I encouraged him.

"Okay," he agreed reluctantly. "Good night, Professor Dumbledore," Harry waved as he headed towards the door.

"Pleasant dreams, Harry."  
>"Oh, Professor? Could I ask you a question?"<p>

I chucked. "You just did, but you can ask me one more, however."  
>Taking a breath, Harry asked: "What do you see when you look in the mirror?"<p>

_Oh Albus, you should have seen this coming, _I silently reprimanded myself.

"I? I see myself holding a pair of thick woollen socks. One can never have too many socks. I ask for them every Christmas, but everyone insists on giving me books."

_Much too long of an answer, with an explanation far too detailed to be the truth_, I assessed of my response as I waited for Harry's reaction. I sensed that he didn't quite believe me, but he let it go, wished me good night once more, and then returned to his dormitory.

I stood in the room for a moment knowing that I needed to inform my Potions Masters that the mirror will be moved to a new home tomorrow. I would have to visit him shortly; I could only hope he was not already asleep. But if he was like me the first time I looked into the mirror, he would probably struggle to fall into a slumber. Although this was not Severus' first experience with the object, from Harry's report, tonight seemed to be a distressing visit for him.

I faced the mirror and slowly made my way back to the front of the classroom and stood where Harry sat minutes before. I felt myself smile when I saw my family standing around me; my mother and father, Aberforth and Ariana, smiling at me; happy and whole as I always wished to remember them. I smiled fondly at them, my white hair reflecting my age, my family's appearance reflecting how they would appear were they still alive. Aberforth had his hand on my shoulder, and Ariana had her head resting on my other shoulder, a serene smile on her face as leaned gently on me. My parents looked upon us fondly- all of us being there for one another- just as it always should have been.

I wiped away a tear that slid down my face.

"I'm sorry, Ariana," I whispered to my sister, words I have uttered to this precise image many times before. She looked up from my shoulder and smiled at me.

"I forgive you, Albus," she mouthed at me.

It was wonderful to have the opportunity to relive that moment one last time. Nevertheless, I hoped what I saw was not entirely based in desire- that somewhere in Heaven Ariana _had_ forgiven me for all I didn't do for her.

Author's note: I hope you enjoyed seeing what I believe Severus and Albus would truly see if they looked in the Mirror of Erised. In case it was unclear, had Severus stood in front of the mirror for longer the first time he was exposed to it, he would have seen Lily say those four words.

I want to say, I suppose, that this is obviously my interpretation of not only what Severus would see, but what the mirror can actually do and _not _do. As with Harry and his parents, his father didn't immediately place his hand on Harry's shoulder, just like Lily didn't immediately say those words to Severus. I hope you find this a plausible occurrence.

Nevertheless, I understand that some of you may disagree with what Severus sees (I think Albus' is pretty certain) for I believe he would have _also_ strongly desired that Lily was alive and had forgiven him, so he was somewhat reprieved from his mistake regarding the prophecy. However, I think his _deepest _desire (in my mind) is to have been loved by her- loved like he loves her- even for a moment. I think Lily returning that love and devotion to him would have encompassed the forgiveness he desired, and while she wouldn't be _alive _per se, at least he would be forgiven for his unintentional actions towards her.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this :)

Finally, I wanted to acknowledge that in retrospect, I found it difficult to write this chapter from Severus' perspective because I cannot imagine him being so insightful with regard to his emotions and feelings. It felt somewhat out of character, but then if he _had_ to be self-aware, this is how I imagine he would have told someone about it. Not sure what you thought, but I hope it was okay! Let me know!

So the next chapter continues on from this one, and includes Albus' visit to Severus, and a couple of other fun things ;)

I hope you'll enjoy it- I will try to post it up within the next fortnight (as I have two assignments due shortly).

Until then, please review! I can't wait to hear from you!


	4. Chapter 4 Don't forget to live

Author's note: Hi everyone! I am so, so, SO sorry it has taken me so long to update. This chapter has been 'ready to go' for a couple of weeks now, but I was playing around with possible ideas for my final chapter and didn't want to post this one until I knew that I didn't need to add anything to this chapter. It's a good thing I waited because I needed to add in an extra few paragraphs to this chapter tonight, which will hopefully form the basis for the next two chapters of this story (more about that later). But for now, please, please enjoy this chapter and remember to let me know what you think! You know how much I love reviews :) Happy reading!

'The deepest desire of our hearts'

Chapter 4- Don't forget to live

I do not recall ever reaching the dungeons faster than I did that night. Mercifully I didn't meet a single obstruction on my way- no students, staff or ghosts. My office had suddenly become a sanctuary where I could hide and unashamedly allow myself to feel the emotions boiling in the pit of my stomach. I slammed the door to my office, I did not care if I woke up the entire castle; someone should know of the pain I felt even if it was my own fault. But hearing the thunderous slam was not enough to release what I was feeling- in fact I doubted anything could provide me with relief.

Nevertheless, I needed to try; my body was struggling to cope with the immense weight in my heart. So I screamed. I was only a foot inside my office- I couldn't even reach my desk or my bed to spare any eavesdroppers of my agony. And that's what my scream was: an agonising attempt to rid my memory of the last couple of hours- hours when Lily was alive, she was whole… she loved me. Forbidden tears managed to escape my control and soon I was choking on my sobs, as I leaned my back against the door. I shut my eyes tight as I felt myself slide to the ground, no longer able to support myself.

_I am such a fool, _I cried. I should not have allowed myself to become so vulnerable, so emotionally involved with what I saw- but it could not be helped- that bloody mirror is a curse. God only knew how Potter interpreted my reaction; I could barely hold myself together. What had he heard before he walked in? What would he think?

_Why do you give a damn? _I asked myself harshly.

Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes, roughly wiped away my tears, and then whipped out my wand. I stood up shakily, and locked the door, and then slowly sat at my desk. I immediately felt the weight of my head in my hands as I attempted to calm myself down, but to no avail. As I ruminated over the past hour, I realised that even what I desired- something that was supposed to bring me hope, was instead terribly painful because it was so utterly impossible.

_I can never win_.

Tears began to slide down my face again as I sat in darkness, trying to work out what I did to deserve so much misery.

Deciding that there was little point in continuing to dwell unproductively at my desk, I trudged to my living quarters. I collapsed onto my bed, my head pounding heavily due to the copious tears I had shed. I stared up at the ceiling willing myself to not resume crying; the tears achieved nothing. My heart fluttered painfully in my chest as if it had a mind of its own- its feeble attempt to return to the golden mirror. I placed my right hand over my chest, subconsciously pushing down as if forcing my heart to stop tempting me- stop beating for _her. _But of course, that was impossible; I would always love her…

But I would have to master my control.

I could never return to the Mirror of Erised.

Even though this was a promise I intended to keep, it did not forbid thinking about the mirror. I found myself spending the next half hour reflecting on my truest desire- the one I was sure Albus had known all along: that Lily loved me. Even thinking about such a possibility resonated with me in a way an alive or forgiving Lily never had. Despite my original error, I was glad to have discovered this far deeper, yet more painful desire. I would not need to see or talk to her as long as I knew that her love was real…

But she didn't love me, how could she after all I did to her, and to her son by killing her? As painful and difficult as it was, I had to accept this reality; the loving, supportive Lily I saw was merely wishful thinking. To think anything else would be pointless.

Exhausted from one of the most intense nights of my life, I began drifting off to sleep. Naturally, it was at this time that someone decided to knock on my door.

I sighed, suspecting that only Albus would visit at this time- no doubt having detected that Potter was roaming around the castle, to ultimately learn from the boy that _he _wasn't the only one repeatedly visiting the mirror. I cringed in anticipation of this scenario as I slowly inched out of bed, grabbed my wand, and trudged my way past my desk to my office door.

"Who is it?" I asked groggily in case it wasn't Albus, in which case, I could pretend they woke me up.

"It is Albus, Severus. May I speak with you for a short moment?" the headmaster requested quietly, though loud enough for me to hear through the gaps in the door.

_Perfect, _I hissed under my breath, annoyed that so far, my speculations were correct. _So help me God if Potter found out what I saw in that mirror._

"Very well," I said indifferently as I opened the door and allowed Albus entry, and then sat down in the chair behind my desk.

Once he shut the door securely behind him, Albus said:

"Thank you for granting me entry- I know you've had a difficult night."

I spluttered; typical, the boy couldn't keep his mouth shut. But I didn't say anything; I was waiting to hear my worst nightmare- that Potter knew the truth.

"Harry told me that happened," Albus explained gently- his words a complete waste of time- _that _was evident.

_He doesn't know the half of it._

"Of course he did," I responded bitterly.

"He told me you were angry," the old man probed, his blue eyes boring into mind, as he bent over so he could look into my eyes. "That is not what I would have expected," he whispered.

I lifted my head and glared right back at him.

"Why does it matter to you?" I snapped at him.

Albus stared at me for a moment, and I could almost hear the cogs turning in his head.

Albus eventually sighed. "I fear I am too late," he said solemnly, his sympathy for me evident in his eyes.

I clenched my jaw; somehow I knew that I didn't need to tell him why I was so angry; he already knew.

I remained stubbornly silent- I could not admit that I was so foolish to believe what a magical mirror showed me. And thankfully, Albus wasn't foolish enough to address his own random assertion.

Instead he continued talking about Potter.

"Harry asked me if I knew what you see when you look in the mirror," Albus stated as if it amused him.

I felt my eyes widen, half interested, half panicked, my heart racing in my chest.

"You didn't tell him did you?" I asked forcefully. Dumbledore paused looking serenely at me. God I hated how calm he was. But in that calm, I saw a reflection of pity, of sadness that I was still so unwilling for the truth of my sacrifice to be known.

"Of course not," he replied soothingly, and I hated that his reassurance was able to calm me so quickly.

I felt my heart quieten; the boy didn't know.

"I pleaded ignorant," he explained. I snorted; if there was one thing Albus was not, it was ignorant- he knew me, as I discovered, eerily well.

"Good," I said with finality, hoping the old man would leave me alone; my head was still pounding and I needed some rest. But he didn't budge.

"What do you want, Albus?" I demanded; my frustration at his silent analysis was piquing- I hated that he _chose_ to be ineffective when speaking his mind by analysing every thing before he says it.

"I wish to tell you what I told Mr Potter an hour ago," he finally explained.

"Get on with it then," I snapped. Albus' eyebrows rose at my snark remark but I ignored him; I was not in the mood to be lectured to about anything at present.

"Tomorrow the mirror will be moved-"

I turned away feeling ashamed; Albus would only tell me this for one reason; he knew I'd want to go back "You know where it will be," Albs continued slowly for emphasis.

_The third floor corridor._

"I don't need to tell you why I do not want you looking for it," he said gently. "You already know."

I gave a single nod of my head; he was dismissed.

But Albus was not leaving- not yet; he needed to torture me further as if I hadn't already endured enough of that from the mirror.

"Severus," Dumbledore uttered my name quietly. "That mirror neither shows us truth nor what is possible-"

"I know!" I shouted, a sudden wave of fury rising within me as I stared daggers at Albus, but then I turned away from him realising the truth of his statement.

"She never loved me," I whispered under my breath, almost as if to remind myself.

After taking a moment to recollect myself, I turned my gaze back to Dumbledore, and was shocked and angered that he was smiling with satisfaction.

"I suppose you knew what I would see all along?" I asked bitterly.

"I had my suspicions," Albus agreed modestly.

"Well I don't see the difference; they are all equally impossible."

I felt the intensity of Albus' stare increase at these words.

"Quit it, Albus; she never cared and you know it!" I demanded; I was losing my patience. I would not allow his stare to haunt me again- I knew that would only lead me to unspeakable pain and misery.

As always, Albus didn't retaliate or return my scream. I saw his eyes tighten sympathetically. I turned away from his piercing gaze with embarrassment, because no matter how frustrated I have felt over the years, I have rarely expressed it as I did then. Albus tried to console me, placing one hand on my shoulder.

"Don't forget to live, Severus," he whispered.

"I won't," I said shortly.

"I know," Albus replied patiently. "But you almost did- that's why you were so angry."

_Unbelievable, _I thought to myself- nothing could be kept from this man. I remained silent, my lips tightly pressed together- I hated that I was so transparent to him.

Albus' fingers squeezed around my shoulder as if to remind me he was still there. I pushed his hand off me, now sick of his sympathy and his pathetic attempt to know- to empathise with what I was feeling_. _What would he know of it?

"Anger doesn't begin to cover it," I responded to his most recent statement, my rage continuing to boil in the pit of my stomach. "Don't preach to me when you have no concept of what this feels like!" I hissed through my teeth, my hands shaking suddenly; apparently yelling at the man wasn't enough. As I watched my hands, trying to calm their trembling, I could sense Albus glaring at me once again. He cleared his throat, and the tone that came from his chest attracted my attention.

When I looked up I saw Albus' eyebrows rise with amused interest.

"Dear Severus-"

"Don't patronised me, Albus; I am exhausted," I snapped at him.

Dumbledore sighed gently.

"As the person who levitated the Mirror of Erised into that classroom do you truly believe that I do not understand your feelings?"

I froze; he had stunned me into silence.

Albus gave me a small smile as he continued speaking.

"That my reminders, my warnings stem from reading _books?_" Albus chuckled at the idea, and it infuriated me that he could see any humour in this at all.

"No Severus; I too have dwelled in front of that mirror. If only I warned you sooner," he added shaking his head. "When I asked you to keep the door ajar, when we were watching Harry, I should have mentioned it then," Dumbledore pondered to himself.

_Yes, you should have, _I thought bitterly, but I couldn't stay angry for long; although I was tired there was one thing I had to know before Albus left.

"What do you see?" I mumbled under my breath, unwilling to admit being curious, though I'm sure anyone would have been.

Again Albus chuckled. "I have a feeling you won't believe the answer I gave Harry."  
>"He had the nerve to <em>ask <em>you?" I interjected- the _arrogance_ of that boy.

"So did you, Severus-"

"As your _colleague _– Potter should have respected your privacy as your student," I argued; the two situations were completely different.

"Perhaps," Albus acknowledged. "But I cannot blame him for being curious; you appear to be equally so- perhaps even more so because you know me better. Would you agree, Severus?"

"Albus, I am not in a humour to be compared to the likes of that child; if you are not willing to tell me what you see then I believe we are done," I asserted forcefully.

"I will let you get some rest, Severus," he said kindly, patting me on the shoulder.

My eyes widened.

_That's it?_

"So you will not tell me?" I asked flatly.

"No, I will not," he answered me, but in saying so, I knew this was not something I should take personally.

"May I ask why?" I pried.

"You will know one day, Severus."

"That's not really an answer," I pointed out.

"I know," he smiled. "Good night, Severus." And with that, Albus left my office.

Now frustration and curiosity filled my mind rather than the agonising sorrow I felt before Albus arrived. I suppose I should be grateful to him…

XXXXXXXX

Albus' POV

I knew that moment in Severus' office was not the right time to inform him of my deepest desire. There were few people in the world who I could trust to keep my secret, but Severus was most definitely one of them. Due to his unwillingness to portray the hurt I knew he was experiencing and given his advanced skills as an Occlumens, I could only assume that the fury Harry witnessed in his professor was of surmountable proportions. If Severus to not be in control of his feelings… his emotions must have been powerful indeed.

I returned to my office as I reflected on what I imagined Severus would have seen during his most recentvisit to the Mirror of Erised. Although I could only guess what image the mirror presented him with, I could wholly relate to the feelings of utter disappointment- anger- grief that Severus would have experienced when his ever rational mind overrode his desire to believe what the mirror showed him. Yes, I knew the feeling well. And for someone like Severus, with the childhood he had both at home and at Hogwarts, plus his experience as a Death Eater and the important, though blameless role he played in Lily's death, I knew that crushing such a hope was far more painful than he would ever admit to anyone.

When I arrived in my office, without consciously planning my actions, I walked to the cupboard housing the Penseive and opened the door. Stored in there were numerous vials which hung from the ornate stand that supports the Penseive. I lifted my wand and pressed it to my temple. Slowly, I extracted a memory from a conversation I was a part of twelve years previously and gently placed it in the vial. I corked it, and stored the memory safely back in its socket.

One day, when he was ready, I would show Severus that memory.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Severus' POV

One week later, the Headmaster's Patronus flew into my office, blinding me. The phoenix opened its beak and said: "Severus, I need to see you in my office now, please."

I sighed; what else did he want me to do? I was already keeping a close eye on Quirrell.

_This better be important, Albus._

When I entered Albus' office five minutes later, he was waiting for me; his chin resting on his interlocked fingers.

"Please come in, Severus," he welcomed me to the seat in front of him.

"What is it Albus?" I asked, feeling drained at the prospect of another discussion about Potter, or heaven forbid, that mirror. As I should have a firm understanding of my luck by now, I should have known that Albus' news was relevant to both.

"Mr Potter was just here," Albus announced jovially.

"How marvellous," I replied sarcastically.

Albus smiled indulgently at my attitude.

"He has found out about the Philosopher's Stone."

"Excuse me?" I blurted out in disbelief. "How is that possible?"

"I believe Hagrid had a hand in it, and naturally Harry and his friends have been very curious ever since."  
>"Typical. Well there is nothing to be done except making sure doesn't go anywhere near it," I concluded shortly.<p>

"Yes, protecting him is essential, though perhaps not in the way you mean…" he trailed off.

"Albus, be more clear," I requested forcefully.

"No matter, all will be explained in due course."

"Albus-"

"Severus, this is not why I called you here."

My heart sank. "Then why?"

"As a consequence of Harry's new knowledge, he has come to a… revelation."

"I doubt he deserves so much credit."

Albus smiled. "Indeed, probably not."

"Well?"

Albus' eyes locked on mine, and for the first time that night, his expression was serious.

"Last week the frustration and anger you expressed as a result of looking into the mirror was because you couldn't find what you most desired. Your awkwardness around Mr Potter would make sense if you feared he would inform me of your 'plans'. Severus," Albus paused to take a significant breath. "Harry believes your deepest desire is to possess the Philosopher's Stone."

_Good God, _I muttered to myself. The boy most certainly _didn't_ deserve praise for such an idea- he should be deducted house points or sent to an asylum for suggesting something so utterly _ridiculous._

"That is preposterous," I informed Albus, and it was the greatest understatement to have ever been uttered in the history of human civilisation.

"Indeed," Albus agreed, quite amused by my reaction.

"It isn't funny, Albus."

"I know; the truth is so wildly different. But of course, I could not tell him what I know-"

"I should think not-"

"But this means Harry knows no better- only that I trust you. I felt you should know of his perception of you, and if I may, I suggest you make yourself more likeable."

I snorted; that would be impossible when I felt like putting the kid on detention.

"Do not give Harry a reason to continue believing this, Severus; it doesn't do either of you justice," Albus impressed upon me.  
>"The arrogant boy will believe whatever he wants- no amount of logic or evidence could convince him otherwise."<br>"I believe differently- Harry has the potential to _accept_ people for who they are_." _At this, Albus began to x-ray me significantly with his piercing blue eyes.

I knew what he was implying.

I stood up; I was not willing to endure Albus' gaze any further; that boy could never compare to his mother.

I stormed out of the Headmaster's office, hoping the old man would see my anger at him for suggesting I should see Potter as anyone other than his father's son. Other than his eyes, there was no Lily in him at all…

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Author's note:

I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. You can probably guess certain events that will happen in the future based on what Albus and Severus discussed/did in this chapter.

Originally, the next chapter was going to be the last segment of this story. _However, _I had a revelation today (which is why aspects of this chapter were changed) that I wanted to add an extra scene to the final chapter, which has resulted in my splitting the final chapter into two. Therefore, there are two (not one) more chapters to go until the end of this story. I don't want to give too much away, but the next two chapters will take place when Severus is Headmaster of Hogwarts (ie. Revolving around the events that took place during the Deathly Hallows).

I am going overseas starting April 6th (Good Friday), so I sincerely hope to have completed and posted this story (ie. The remaining two chapters) before I leave.

Thanks so much for reading and please, please remember to review! I love hearing what you guys think of my story :) Thank you once again for all of your support! You have no idea how much I appreciate it!


	5. Chapter 5 Love

Author's note: Hello to my wonderful readers! And a special mention to Sindie- thank you for all the reviews you have left me! I so appreciate it and am honoured that you are reading my story!

I just have to say that I am so sorry it has taken me so long to update! I actually finished this chapter about a month ago and I thought I posted it online, but it didn't work for some reason I am terribly sorry. But on the bright side, you get a double update!

Quite a lot happens in this one so I look forward to reading your reviews!

'The deepest desire of our hearts'

Chapter 5- Love

Albus' POV

I smiled with grim amusement as I watched Harry struggle with his most recent discovery. Despite having slept for two days after his encounter with Voldemort, the boy now appeared wide awake as he pondered a topic I was glad Severus was not around to witness.

"It was Quirrell all along," Harry repeated for the third time that night as if convincing himself of this fact, his tone still one of surprise. "I can't believe it; I thought for _sure _it was Snape."

"_Professor_ Snape, Harry," I corrected him gently.

Having forgotten I was present until I spoke, Harry's eyes locked on to mine.

"I was wrong, Professor," Harry admitted readily though all the while looking bewildered, "getting the Philosopher's Stone _wasn't _what he saw in the mirror… it wasn't what he desired."

Harry stared into space, and I had no doubt he was remembering back to that night when he walked in on a livid, frustrated, and devastated Severus.

I allowed Harry to remain lost in thought; I did not wish to encourage any questions from him. Even though I would have liked him to know the truth, it was not up to me to share the secret I reluctantly swore to keep almost eleven years ago.

"What did he see then?" Harry asked himself out loud. His desire for the truth was clear; Severus' rage that night must have confused him, and understandably so.

When I remained silent in response to his ponderings, Harry pressed me as I knew he would.

"Do you still not know what he sees?" he asked me quietly as if he now knew it was possibly wrong to ask.

I shook my head.

"I have no idea, Harry, I'm sorry. Professor Snape is a very private person," I added to make my excuse more believable.

Harry nodded absentmindedly.

"Yeah, I reckon he would be."

Harry sighed. "Still I wish I knew… people don't normally get angry at what they see do they?" Harry asked rhetorically. Before I could come up with an appropriate reply, he added: "but perhaps he was just really mad that I was there…"

Deciding that I had allowed Harry to dwell long enough on his professor, I interrupted his thoughts.

"I see you have received many cards and gifts from your admirers," I commented, pointing at a particularly colourful box of sweets which had caught my eye.

I watched as Harry grinned enthusiastically in acknowledgement that he did indeed have many supporters and friends. When compared to this fact, I felt the gifts were essentially immaterial to him.

Thankfully my tactic forced Harry to a new train of thought as we spoke of Mr Weasley and Miss Granger, and uncomfortably close to his intimate prophecerial connection with Voldemort and the tragic night his parents died. While these points of distraction were preferable to those concerning my Potions Masters, I had the distinct feeling that Harry was not the type of student to forget something so puzzling so quickly. For the boy's sake, I hoped the summer break would provide many more intriguing mysteries to occupy him; I did not wish to conceive Severus' reaction if by some miracle Harry discovered the truth.

Even then, I knew what Harry was capable of; he may look and occasionally act like his father, but having been raised by a neglectful aunt and uncle, it gave him the kindness and strength to accept others for who they are. So as I walked away from the hospital wing back to my office, I sighed; as much as I wanted Severus to see this side of Harry, I knew I could not force him to. I would have to be patient and hope that one day Severus would have the confidence in himself and Harry to reveal the best of him. Knowing how much Severus loved Lily Potter, and knowing, even then that Severus would one day need to sacrifice a great deal in honour of that love, it saddened me that Harry did not show Severus the same respect he gave his other professors. But of course, what else could one expect from the boy when Severus treats him with so much contempt?

I sighed. It felt so unlikely that either of them would ever have the opportunity to see the true qualities of the other. But I could not force such a discovery- this was a journey _they_ needed to embark on… if and when they were ready.

_No more meddling, I will have to wait._

XXXXXXXXXXXX

6 years later

Severus' POV

I had only been Headmaster for two weeks which meant having to deal with the Carrows almost every minute of the day for fourteen days. This alone would have rendered my position particularly tiresome, but the almost aggressive glares from the staff and some of the students made it somewhat disconcerting. This forced me to remain in the Headmaster's office… by choice. Here, I could consult with Albus about the various goings-on, and mildly complain about the looks I had been getting, especially from Minerva. More than once, the Carrows had almost sent me over the edge with their senseless conversations and no-brainer requests. I puzzled over the Dark Lord's even imagining them as teachers- to me they were worse than some of the students: impulsive dunderheads. I had abused them freely to Albus in the privacy of my office- the only place I could find refuge given the securely protected stairwell which alerted me of anyone intending to enter.

Life as Headmaster was particularly stressful; in the back of everyone's mind a war was going on. On a daily basis, I would hear of a conversation taking place regarding Potter's whereabouts and whether the final battle would take place at Hogwarts. My mind was too full of the Carrow's nonsense and the issue of minimising their barbaric disciplinary actions, to give such questions serious consideration. Survival and keeping the students safe was my priority.

One night, Albus and I were discussing the Sword of Gryffindor, and the intricacies involved in organising the delivery of such an object in secret, so its copy would remain the obvious true artefact which was complex to say the least. The wards I had placed at the foot of the Headmaster's staircase alerted me that the Carrows were heading up to my office. I sighed, informed Albus what was about to happen so he could resume his appearance of 'indifference' in his frame.

When the Carrows entered, I looked up from the piece of parchment I was pretending to scribe on.

"Yes?" The two of them looked like they would burst with excitement- this would not be good.

"Have you read the 'Life and Lies'?" Amycus demanded of me.

"Do you honestly expect me to read Rita Skeeter?" I fired at him, not wishing to portray the real reason I refuse to read such a thing.

"Who cares who wrote it? She's genius!"  
><em>About as much as you are.<em>

"It is a waste of my time" I insisted firmly. "If you have nothing of importance to report then leave me in peace- the Dark Lord would be disgusted if he knew you took joy in reading anything about Albus Dumbledore," I hissed sternly, though I was glad both Alecto and Amycus detected the hint of threat in my voice.

"Fine," Alecto announced haughtily. "But I reckon it's not all garbage- ask Dumby- not that he'd dare tell you the truth anyway," and then she threw her copy of the book onto my desk, the page she was reading open in front of me. After this, the siblings thankfully left my office, mumbling under their breath:

"How dare he threaten us like that?"

"I reckon the Skeeter woman had it right this time- he'll see."

Once they had left my office, I sighed, and then briefly picked up the book to glimpse the page they had read before I locked it in my drawer. Two minutes later, I still hadn't put it away; the words on the page portrayed a very complex story, a seemingly impossible one and yet… was this really a fabrication? I eyed the family photo of Albus, Aberforth and their sister Ariana (according to the caption) who I have never seen or heard of before, along with their parents all of whom were smiling at me and one another in black and white. Albus looked to be no older than 16, his nose was properly aligned and his hair was dark in the photo. It wasn't until I reached the caption underneath the moving image that I came back to my senses.

'The Dumbledores before their family fell apart, and Albus killed her mad, squib sister, Ariana.'

I snorted. "That's ridiculou' I mumbled, about to shove it into my drawer.

"What so amusing, Severus?" Albus questioned, clearly curious to hear what Rita had written about him.

"Trust me, Albus, it's not worthy of your attention," I asserted, not sure how offended he would be by Rita's insinuations.

"Then I could do with a laugh," Dumbledore insisted.

I sighed and held up the page in front of the portrait so Albus could read. To save him the torture of scouring through Rita's dribble, I cut to the chase for him.

"She has implied that you may have killed your squib sister," I reported, hardly believing such a statement was leaving my mouth; it would have to be one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard, and I've been associating with the Carrows for years.

I expected to hear Albus' chuckle, but it never came. After shoving the book in the drawer where I felt it belonged, I turned back towards my predecessor. I was horrified that he was staring at the now closed drawer as if opening it would release his Boggart.

I hesitated.

_Surely none of that was true? _I asked myself disbelief filling me up in objection to such a possibility.

"Albus?" I ventured.

"Hm?" Albus answered, jumping a little as if he forgot I was there.

Unable to keep my curiosity at bay, I asked: "None of what she wrote is true is it?"

Albus gave a small smile, his eyes averted to the bottom of his frame as if embarrassed.

I tilted my head to the side in confusion and concern.

"Was your sister a squib?" I asked sympathetically.

Still unable to look at me, Albus shook his head.

"No she was not a squib, though such a fate would have been a blessing compared to what she truly suffered," he answered solemnly.

I stared at Albus in shock- I couldn't find the words to express the conflict I felt; what did Ariana Dumbledore suffer? And if that aspect of Rita's report was inaccurate then that would mean…

Albus must have been watching the multitude of expressions on my face and answered my silent question.

"To this day we still don't know who was responsible for her death," Albus spoke gravely, his gaze now looking off into the distance.

"We?"

"Aberforth and myself- Grindelwald too if he didn't fear being found responsible."  
>My mind was suddenly overwhelmed with information. I am honestly ashamed to say that my thoughts immediately went back to Rita's book- apparently she had <em>some <em>facts right. But the book would have to wait; perhaps I could find out more from Albus himself.

"It could have been any of the _three _of you?"

"I believe Aberforth has yet to forgive me," Albus sighed sadly.

"He feels you were responsible?" I tried to clarify.

"Oh yes, for it was he and Grindelwald who were duelling- if I had not brought Grindelwald to my mother's funeral, they never would have fought and-"

"Ariana would not have died," I finished for him quietly.

"Precisely," he whispered.

"Do you miss her?" I asked before even thinking, but the fact that Albus ever had a sister was surprising to me. Dumbledore focused on me then, and I felt terrible when I saw tears swimming in his eyes.

"I missed her more after her death than I ever did when she was alive. I spent so much time away from home studying or otherwise consulting with Grindelwald that I hardly gave a thought to my younger siblings. After my mother died, I felt it was my _obligation _to end my travels and schemes to look after my brother who was far more able to care for Ariana than I was, I might add, and monitor my sister. I was resentful- I never tried to understand dear Ariana like Abertforth did, and my ignorance paid the worst possible price: her death."

I watched a tear tumble down Albus' cheek, and I wondered not only how I never knew this, but how Albus kept it a secret for so long.

"At the time, I would have given anything- all my power, my knowledge, my plans to see Ariana one last time- to respect her enough to understand her- give her something _more _than neglect- she deserved much more from her eldest brother. But of course that was impossible so I had to be satisfied that perhaps one day she would forgive me."

"I'm sure she has, Albus," I said comfortingly.

"Dumbledore gave me a smile then- one that told me that somehow he had received the closure he longed for.

"Yes, she has forgiven me- she understood me better than I did her," Albus replied, shaking his head in awe and amusement. "What did all my intellect and all my awards mean if it deprived me of my family- people who truly needed me?"

I knew the question was rhetorical so I didn't answer. I nodded my head in agreement as I pondered how many years Albus had lived with this secret and never told anyone: more than a _century. _For so long, he had hoped for forgiveness without knowing if he was by his sister and his parents, having possibly killed that sister due to his own mistakes. Perhaps Albus understood my love for Lily and my struggles regarding _her_ death better than I ever could have guessed.

Unexpectedly, I felt myself smile half-heartedly, a realisation coming over me.

"What is so amusing, Severus?" the portrait asked me. "What have you discovered?" he pried, almost as if he knew what I had deduced.

I looked up at him, understanding dawning on me as if so much of what happened six years ago now made perfect sense.

"The Mirror of Erised," I began quietly. "Did you see Ariana?" I guessed.

Albus nodded, his eyes twinkling.

"Well done, Severus," he praised me in a subdued tone. "I saw my sister forgive me, and my family together again, whole and happy like we once were."

I nodded, my gaze staring through Albus now.

"And this is how you understood the nature of the Mirror of Erised-"

"-that it can preoccupy every moment of your dreams? Be all the motivation you need to wake up in the morning knowing that the new day brings another opportunity to see them or _her _again?" Albus paused looking sympathetically at me. "I understood both your addiction and your pain when the dream was taken from you, Severus. Do you think I couldn't see how much you wanted to stand in front of that mirror instead of Harry and Mr Weasley that night?"  
>I felt my eyes widen in shock.<p>

"Don't look so surprised, Severus. You are only human- just like Harry and me- it was natural," he reassured me. "That was the reason I moved the mirror to the fifth floor; originally it stood in my living quarters."

I shook my head- that would have been detrimental to me; I would never have left my office.

"I had to remove it from my sight; everyday my desire grew, the hope became stronger, and before long, _I _was forgetting to live. That's when I knew it needed to be moved. My advice to you and Harry was from personal experience."

I nodded- I had no doubt of that now.

"I feel I have learnt more about who you are tonight than I ever learnt during the years I have known you," I admitted and I didn't even know the full extent of his relationship with Grindelwald or exactly what was wrong with Ariana- it would have to wait for another night.

"True," Albus smiled, "such personal things were not open for discussion; the truth was not something I could trust you with at the time, can you forgive me for that?"  
>I tilted my head in acknowledgement; I had to accept that he needed to keep secrets from myself- not that <em>I<em> had that privilege; he knew all of my secrets.

I snorted.

Albus eyed me with curiosity.

"I never could have guessed what you see in the Mirror of Erised, and yet you knew exactly what I would see," I pointed out to him a little bitterly.

"Yes, however…" Albus hesitated, a small smile on his face.

I stood in front of his portrait staring, waiting for him to continue, but he never did.

"What?" I eventually snapped, aggravated by his piercing blue eyes.

"I have known you since you were a student. You have loved Lily for so long, it- it was not difficult," Albus explained gently.

I exhaled sharply, it couldn't be denied. "I never should have wanted something so impossible."

Silence.

Again, Dumbledore stared at me, and I feel my heart begin to beat faster with agitation.

"Albus…" I sighed.

"You truly believe she never cared?" Albus asked quietly.

"She never did," I told him calmly but firmly; of such a fact I was certain.

Albus' head tilted sympathetically to the side as he watched me.

"If I have to ask you to explain your stare _again, _Albus…" I trailed off, knowing that he could hear the threatening tone in my voice.

Immediately, Albus replied.

"I am uncertain whether the truth is…" he paused to study me further, his eyes sparkling, "whether it would make you feel better… or worse," he questioned clearly uncertain.

I stared at him.

_What was he trying to say? How could I determine whether I would want to know something or not when he provides me with so little information? _

Before I could demand he tell me more, I saw his head tilt to the cupboard behind me.

I eyed the cupboard he had indicated: it was the very one that housed the Pensieve. My head snapped back towards him, my eyes wide with anticipation.

_A memory?_ I ask myself, whilst simultaneously forcing my heart not to get too excited in case I was incorrect.

"If you open the cupboard, there is a vial hanging in the holder furthest away from you," Albus instructed me. I followed his directions, and reached over the basin to extract the only vial, my hands shaking slightly, my gaze fixated on the silvery substance in the tube. I cautiously carried the vial over the basin and held it in my hand as I pried the cork out of the top.

_What possible memory could this be? What had Albus known all this time? _The anticipation almost rendered me speechless with both dread and hope.

After pouring the trickles of silver into the basin, I forced myself not to immediately dive in. Instead, I turned to face Albus' portrait.

"What memory is this?" I requested under my breath, not sure if I wanted to know the answer.

Albus merely smiled at me.

_He won't tell me._

I did not wait for Albus to defend himself before sighing with resignation.

Turning away from him, I placed my hands on either side of the Pensieve, preparing myself for whatever memory Albus had saved for me.

"Severus," Albus finally spoke, surprising me.

I turned towards him, my eyebrows raised.

_Now he decides to speak just when I am about to go in._

"Any recount I can give of that memory would not do it justice. You must see it for yourself. I wanted to show it to you when I felt you were ready, and now, I think you are. It will be, I hope, a small reminder of why you have sacrificed so much."

I gave Albus a small nod of understanding.

Then turning back towards the basin, I took a deep breath and then pushed myself into the depths of Albus' memory.

XXXX

Severus' POV continued…

I landed in the room I just left, except Albus now sat behind the desk rather than resided in a portrait. I walked closer to the man- his face was less lined, but he was otherwise the Albus I remembered. This memory did not take place too long ago. He was writing a letter to the Minister for Magic at the time: Cornelius Fudge. As he signed his signature with a rhythmic motion of his quill, a bright light entered the office, startling both myself and the Headmaster.

I turned to face the vibrant glow.

I stopped breathing; my gasp caught in my throat.

_Lily's doe._

And it spoke desperate words, but they hardly registered with me; just hearing her voice made my heart yearn for her.

God I missed her.

"Albus, I must speak with you. Please let me into your office."

Dumbledore's eyes widened with shock, but he watched the doe disappear before reacting to Lily's request.

Drawing his wand, Albus whispered the enchantment that told the gargoyle at the base of the stairs to stand aside. Whilst he did this I walked towards the large window that stood opposite to the door. My back to the moonlight, I stared at the door waiting with bated breath to see Lily once more.

After 30 agonising seconds, Lily burst into Albus' office looking harassed and miserable. I immediately wanted to comfort her and made to walk up to her, but then I stopped myself; there was nothing I could do to help her.

Thankfully Albus had noticed Lily's distress.

"What is it, Lily?" he asked urgently, and I knew he feared something terrible had occurred, especially given that Potter was not with her.

At first, Lily couldn't speak as she gasped to take breaths. It looked as if she had run a mile; her face was tinged with pink and her beautiful red hair was in a tangled mess.

Albus waited patiently for her to recover, though I could tell he was studying her behaviour carefully.

Finally Lily spoke.

"Is- is it true?" she asked Albus, her tone rising in pitch at the end of her question. Immediately my heart sank; was this the moment Albus would tell her of the prophecy and of their needing to go into hiding?

Albus didn't answer Lily immediately, much to mine and Lily's frustration. I needed to know when in the three years between leaving Hogwarts and her death this memory took place. Instead Albus studied her distress as if she were an interesting animal. Perhaps he was wondering how much she knew about whatever situation she was cryptically referring to, before answering her.

"Could you be more specific, Lily?" Albus eventually requested, however gently having seen how upset she was.

"Has- have- I've heard," Lily stammered and I had never seen her look so discomposed- so upset. I felt my heart pulling me towards her as she stood in front of Albus, trembling with anticipation. I could see how desperately she wanted an answer to her question without having to ask it.

"I've heard," she repeated after swallowing heavily, "that Voldemort has recruited another Death Eater. Is- is it true?" she finished in a whisper of dread.

_Oh God._

Albus' eyes were tight with concern, his head tilted to one side. This action was interpreted by Lily as a 'yes' as she collapsed into the arm chair across from the desk.

"I suppose you do not need me to tell you who?" Albus ventured in a whisper even though he already knew the answer.

Lily shook her head silently, and then turned away from Albus to stare out the window. Her head was shaking from side to side in shock. I would have given anything to know what she was thinking; she looked so disappointed… and terribly sad. My heart shattered when I saw tears begin to slide down Lily's cheeks.

I was paralysed- deeply affected but unable to move- I had never expected Lily to care what I did with my life let alone shed tears over my choice…

"Lily?" Albus ventured.

She didn't respond.

I stared avidly at Lily wondering whether she was capable of speaking. The longer she remained in silence, the deeper my stomach sank. I felt terrible.

_How much longer would Albus sit there without comforting her?_

Much to my relief, Albus stood up at that moment and walked around the desk with the intention of trying to soothe her. He gently placed his hand on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze. Lily reached up and patted Albus' hand in thanks and wiped her tears away with the back of her wrist.

"Thank you, Albus," she said tearfully.

"Did you not expect him to go over?" he asked sympathetically.

"I guess I hoped he _wouldn't_," she cried, almost as if questioning why she would believe such a thing. "That it would somehow be- be okay."

"He has always been fascinated with the dark-"

"But Voldemort, Albus? Voldemort? I can't believe he actually allies himself with that monster!" she sobbed.

Dumbledore nodded. "It will not be easy to accept," Albus solemnly acknowledged.

"How am I going to be able to fight him? Duel him? He- he was my _friend."_

In exasperation Lily leaned over and buried her face in her hands.

"I'm so sorry Lily," I whispered, as I knelt in front of her and stared into her lovely green eyes. "I didn't think you _cared_," I whispered, choking on my words. I knew she was not able to hear me, but these words were my natural reaction to her cries.

"He was," Albus echoed Lily's statement.

She looked up at him.

"He was, but I-" she gasped, wiping away her tears. "We weren't friends by the end of our time at Hogwarts, but I still cared- still hoped that something would happen that would prevent Severus from joining _Him_! I- I hoped!" And then she started shouting. "He was better than this, Albus! He was a sweet, shy boy, and now _Voldemort_ has him…"

"It was his choice to join, Lily."

Lily's eyes widened as she stared out the window again.

"What happened to him?" she whimpered to herself.

I looked at Albus then, wondering whether he suspected the answer to her question. I saw his eyebrows rise, as if about to speak his mind, but instead he answered with:

"He is still the same person you knew, Lily."

"He was not this evil," Lily insisted sharply. "He hung around with Mulciber, and- and practiced dark magic, and called me… names. But this is _too_ evil."

"Severus Snape is not evil," Albus said soothingly. "You know this."  
>"I don't know what to think anymore. He's <em>changed<em>," Lily cried almost as if in mourning.

"I didn't change Lily," I pleaded with her, wishing she could hear me so I could end her pain. "I just felt so lost because I didn't have you. Please stop crying," I begged as I reached over and attempted to stroke her cheek, my own tears trickling down my face. My fingers fell through her, but the mere gesture of touching her face comforted me somehow; I could pretend I was there to soothe her for once. To be with her in this moment, if only through Albus' memory, and to comfort her through this pain meant so much to me.

"Regardless, he is bound to Voldemort now. All we can do is prepare to face him should that time come; Severus will be a formidable opponent," Albus commented rationally.

Amazingly, Lily laughed, just a little, but it was definitely a laugh.

"Yes, I imagine so." Then her face became sullen. "If it wasn't always four against one, I suspect he could have beaten James," she whispered under her breath as if she had considered that possibility before.

"Indeed," Albus smiled slightly as he rubbed Lily's shoulder again. "Perhaps some day Severus will come back to us."

Lily hiccupped, as she tried to calm herself down. Then she looked up at Albus, her eyes sparkling with a wistful happiness. "I hope so."

I felt myself rising out of the Pensieve. I wished there was more to the memory, but I knew I had seen enough.

The moment I returned to the present-day office, I looked towards Albus' portrait, my tears blurring my vision.

I couldn't speak; I was frozen in shock by what I had seen.

I stood in silence for several minutes trying to grasp how much pain Lily was in, oh how I wished I could have soothed her. Once I had taken my position as a Death Eater, I never had any indication that she had reacted so strongly to my allegiance with the Dark Lord. She was able to hide her sadness and perhaps her disappointment very well. Nevertheless, those minutes in Albus' office when she was distraught that I had changed- that I had become the person she so attested, painfully tore at my heart. I felt terribly guilty, and yet there was a small part of me that valued her tears because of what they meant: she cared.

During her moments of contemplation when she stared out of the window, I wondered whether she considered if I would have made the same choices if she and I had remained friends. In my heart, I knew I could have stayed away from the temptation the Dark Lord presented if Lily stayed by my side and encouraged me to be the person she evidently believed I was. But without her, I felt I had nothing else to live for except that one passion for Dark Magic. I thought an allegiance with the Dark Lord was all I could ever do with my life; she and everyone else expected it of me- no one would accept I could be anything else. That is what I believed… until now_._

I sniffled, and turned away from Albus to brush my tears aside.

"Severus?" Albus enquired gently.

I turned towards the portrait again wondering whether I could express to him what I was feeling. Eventually I said:

"She still cared for me, even then. Three years after the end of our friendship and she still believed in me- believed I was better than a Death Eater- that I was _talented_. She- she still wanted me on her side despite everything I had _done_."

I took a deep, shuddering breath; it seemed so unbelievable and yet, it was beautifully real.

"Of course she cared for you," Albus said gently.

"She was so upset," I commented, shaking my head in shock and in grief that I had caused her so much pain.  
>"She was. And it took her a while to accept from what I understand. She missed the boy she used to love."<p>

I stared at him for his choice in words. Perhaps, perhaps she _did _love me?

"Did you believe I would return to the Order even then?"  
>Albus shook his head. "No, but I hoped, Severus. When I heard Voldemort had successfully recruited you, I was definitely concerned; even then, you were extremely talented."<p>

"Well you were right," I said bitterly. "I did return to her side, just when it was too late to make a damn difference."

"Severus, you know that is far from true. You have made a far greater impact on our world than you could ever imagine."

"But _she _wasn't alive to see it!"

"I am sure Lily knows you tried to save her that night, and have since made tremendous sacrifices in honour of your love for her. You may have felt lost, and you may have lost your way, but your heart never wavered, Severus."

I turned away from Albus to hide the tears pouring rapidly down my face.

_I never meant to hurt you, Lily. I am so sorry. Please know I have always loved you; that part of me has never changed. _

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Author's note: I apologise for the revelation regarding Ariana and Grindelwald being quite brief, I didn't want to spend too much time on it because you already know what happened between them! Severus does eventually find out the rest of the story, however, I will not be writing about it. I am sure you can imagine how he would have reacted

I hope you liked the memory I created for this chapter. If you were interested in finding out what things were like when Severus (as a death eater) needed to duel Lily, please check out one of the later chapters in another fic of mine: 'To do what is right' (if you haven't read it already). Thanks so much for reading! Please remember to review, you know how much I love hearing from you!


	6. Chapter 6 Truth

Author's note: Welcome to the final chapter of 'The deepest desire of our hearts'. I am so sorry it has taken so long to update! But I am really happy with the way this chapter has turned out, so I hope you all enjoy it too! Please remember to review when you're done, you know how much I love hearing from you all!

Also, an important note for those of you who are fans of my writing: I will be changing my 'writing strategy' which will affect future projects and updates, so please 'like' the facebook page I created for my fanfiction ponderings: Bumblebee_5n4p3 (this is my author name on Wattpad). Feel free to leave me a message if you'd like; you know it would make my day! ;)

In the mean time, Happy Reading!

'The deepest desire of our hearts'

Chapter 6- Truth

Later that year…

Severus' POV

The sharp, pounding pain in my neck was excruciating. I could feel the sting as Nagini's venom seeped into my blood stream. I felt my still warm blood trickle down my neck and soak my robes. Within a second, I felt unbelievably weak and I knew it would be minutes before my life would end.

This would be a painful death.

Suddenly, Potter was standing in front of me… or at least, I thought it was him. My gaze was incredibly hazy; my focus was moving in and out of clarity. Although I hadn't seen the boy in a year, I could still recognise his stature despite my blurry vision. Nevertheless, I chose not to say anything in case I was wrong. When the boy crouched down in front of me a moment later and I was able to see his face, those bright green eyes told me that I was right.

_Potter._

I had hoped he would try to find me and here he was. I needed to give him my memories… I had no need to keep them a secret any longer. I did not want to die knowing that the truth would die with me; someone had to know what I had done and why.

This line of thinking motivated me to summon what little energy I had left to grab on to Potter's sleeve. I used my weight to drag him towards me so I knew he was paying attention. Staring into his eyes, I could see he was terrified by my sudden action, from being apparently weak and helpless, to deceptively strong and determined. Nevertheless, there was also something in his eyes that made me feel he cared, that he was concerned for me; he too knew my life was quickly sliding away.

Unfortunately, I did not have the opportunity to place all of my memories into a vial in preparation for this moment. But I knew they needed to be given to Potter- now.

"Take it," I begged of him in a moan, hoping he would hear how desperate I was for him to be prepared for what he was about to see. Closing my eyes, I forced myself to briefly relive the moments I wished Potter to see. I recalled those beautiful memories with Lily, as well as the necessary evidence that would convince the boy of my innocence, the vital memory Albus wanted Potter to see, and… my experience with the Mirror of Erised.

I ignored the horror in the boy's eyes as he watched frozen, as silvery glistens of watery gas exited my body. I felt them leaving through my wounds for I had no wand with which to extract them. It was only with Miss Granger's assistance that Potter managed to compose himself, and for once I was grateful for her intellect and quick thinking.

When he had them bottled safely in a vial Hermione conjured for him, I felt myself sink deeper into darkness; my job was done… I was free.

But I continued to watch the boy, silently hoping that he would have the chance to use the pensive before it was too late. I searched for his green eyes- eyes I knew so well. Unfortunately, I could barely focus on them; Potter was shaking slightly as he watched me. I briefly pondered what could be going through his mind, and ultimately concluded that somehow, he cared that my life would soon be lost. I never conceived that anyone would miss me, let alone Potter.

I wondered whether Albus had been right about the boy after all; the last time I saw Potter, I had been fleeing Hogwarts having just murdered Dumbledore atop the Astronomy Tower. I had yet to apologise or even explain myself, and was thus surprised the boy hadn't made to torture me further in my death to punish me for all the loved ones he had lost because of me.

But the boy remained still, watching me silently, whether in horror or sorrow, I could not tell. Despite all that I had done to him, I could see the concern in his eyes: sadness that someone else's life was being lost in this battle. I could barely move, but his green eyes reminded me of what happened between us six years ago. Although he would discover the truth when he used the pensive, I felt a desire to speak- to tell him what I had refused anyone to know for so many years.

I used my last ounce of energy to speak; this was my final opportunity to tell him what he had desperately wished to know from Albus all those years ago.

"I see _her,_" I croaked, my throat dry as I struggled to talk- to breathe.

My voice made Potter jump in surprise; apparently he thought I was near dead. But he looked keenly at me and I knew he wanted to understand my words.

"I see her," I repeated again in a trembling voice; speech was making me feel weaker and weaker.

Potter turned to look over his shoulder; Miss Granger and Mr Weasley were at a loss as well. Clearly, he did not understand what I was talking about.

"If you see someone, you can go to them Professor Snape, it's okay," he encouraged me. His response would have amused me; _as if I would be going to Heaven, _but I was eager to explain myself.

"The mirror," I reminded him in a tone that was barely more than a whisper.

Potter's eyes widened with understanding; I saw a woman in the Mirror of Erised.

He stared at me silently for a moment, perhaps waiting for me to provide a name. But I could not speak of her. Yes, I wanted the boy to know the truth, but I could not find the strength to say her name.

Potter didn't wait for long for my response, and apparently he didn't spend the silence trying to work it out; he was no longer interested in the knowledge. Now, he was studying my injury as if he wanted to help me, and I wondered whether his fleeting desire to save me was so he could discover more about my experience with the Mirror, and not simply know the name of whoever I saw. And knowing Potter's curiosity, he would undoubtedly wish to question me when he found out I loved his mother. But my life was quickly dissipating, so I knew it would be a hopeless for either of us to desire that chance.

I had mere seconds left, but I needed to do one last thing.

I pulled him gently towards me.

"Look… at… me…"

He did.

My final moment on Earth was a blissful one; I died looking into Lily's eyes. I felt comforted and safe, their bright green colour leading me to wherever it was I needed to go. I did not know what would happen to me- my spirit- my soul, damaged and torn, but wherever I went, I hoped to see Lily and her beautiful green eyes one last time.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Harry's POV

What I was seeing seemed unbelievable, but at the same time, I knew it was all true. The way Professor Snape looked at me before he died… there were no words to describe how I felt. And now I felt like I was witnessing a dream- a fantasy; I could not believe that this was Professor Snape's _life. _The idea that he loved a woman _so _much as to protect her son… the realisation that that son was _me, _that that woman was my _mum. _I wished someone had told me… I had given him so little credit… made so many assumptions. He had a much harder life than I ever could have guessed.

Professor Snape's promise to Dumbledore was: 'anything'… anything to make up for his mistake, any sacrifice he needed to make would be worth it because that's how much he loved her. This was not a man who murdered the only person to trust him and truly accept him as a member of the Order. Somehow, Professor Snape didn't murder the Headmaster- he did, but he didn't- he _wouldn't_ have…

I cringed as I realised how blunt and harsh I was to Dumbledore that night. I actually _questioned _his judgement to trust Professor Snape. But this memory showed me just how wrong I was- a tremendous, though worthwhile slap in the face. I should have trusted him- _both _of them, but how could I have known what they were _both _hiding from me?

I watched the desperate look on Professor Snape's face as he stood atop the windy, gray hill with Dumbledore and wondered whether he knew just how much he would have to sacrifice to fulfil the promise he made that night. Probably not, but somehow he managed to survive it all, none of us having any idea that he was hiding such a deep and devoted love.

As I watched the next memory swirl before my eyes, I wondered what I would see- what could this memory show me that would be even more surprising than the previous one? Within seconds I saw a room I still recognised well even though I hadn't been there or seen the object it housed for six years.

The Mirror of Erised.

I walked closer to the mirror; Professor Snape was already standing in front of it. As I walked I remembered how curious I was to know what he saw, and now, after the memories I had just seen, I could have a reasonable guess. And then I recalled my original guess all those years ago and I wondered what he would have thought of me. My speculations were seriously embarrassing now; to suggest that Professor Snape even cared about the Philosopher's Stone, let alone desired possession of it was crazy. He was far more _human _than that, though _how_ human, I never could have guessed, and it was still something I found hard to grasp.

I was now standing beside Professor Snape. His eyebrows were narrowed in concentration, so I followed his gaze and sure enough, my mother was standing in the mirror looking back at him. I expected her to be smiling, but she wasn't; she was… _talking? _I didn't know that was possible, which made me extremely curious to know what Professor Snape desired my mother to say to him.

'I forgive you?'

'Thank you for changing sides for me?'

'I'm watching over you?'

So many possibilities, and they were all wrong.

'I… love… you… Sev.'

Immediately, I turned away from the mirror to look at Professor Snape.

I felt… well I'm not sure what I felt when I saw his eyes fill with tears. He was so happy as if he had wanted to hear those words for so long, but never did.

I jumped in surprise when he suddenly fell to the floor, his knees hitting the ground with a loud 'thud'- I was sure it must've been painful. But he didn't seem to care; nothing could distract him from the mirror… from my mum. And the longer he looked, the happier he seemed to become. It was so strange to witness this moment in Professor Snape's life, and yet I felt privileged to _see _him happy. I wondered whether I was one of a few to have ever seen him smile. He eyes were glassy with tears, and I knew without a doubt that what his heart most desired was to be loved- truly loved, by my mother. No wonder he hated me so much… I was a constant reminder that he didn't have her because she chose someone else.

In a strange trance, I found myself absorbed in watching my professor's face. I had always perceived him to be a cold, unfeeling, bitter, and vengeful man given the way he treated me, and put down my father. But he wasn't _cruel, _he was just… pained... tortured. There was relief in the tears he shed, which he just then decided to brush away from his face, his eyes staring longingly into the mirror.

I turned my attention back to my mother, and watched in awe as she again mouthed those four words that meant so much to her friend.

I saw Professor Snape _smile _as more tears fell down his cheeks, and I cannot begin to describe to you how strange it was to hear him whisper:

"I love you too."

But far more powerful than those words was how he looked when said them. His body was shaking, and somehow I knew those words were the truest he had ever said in his life. His love was so real and so raw- no wonder why he was livid when I saw that memory of their fifth year in the pensive- it must have been so hard to hide how much he missed her after what he said.

I watched mesmerised as tears of happiness continued to fall down the man's face, his black eyes for the first time ever, were warm with love and hope. He looked overwhelmed, as if no words could explain how he felt. He rested his head in his hands, and I saw his fingers clench on his forehead as if trying to contain his feelings. After hiding them for so long, and knowing how much longer he needed to keep them from everyone, I could not help but respect him for being so determined to remain neutral for the sake of keeping his cover. No matter what was at stake, I could never hide such a powerful love in the way he did.

I felt ashamed for _ever _thinking that he would desire possessing the Philosopher's Stone. He may have been a Death Eater at some point in his life, but he was completely different from Voldemort… from Quirrell, from everyone I have ever known actually. And it was because of him that Voldemort offered my mother her life- because Professor Snape had begged, had risked _his_ life to save her after the mistake he had made. All I could hope was that Mum had been able to find him- that they could be together if only for a short while… perhaps then he could be happy again.

Professor Snape took a deep breath which brought me out of my reverie. He lifted his head from his hands, but his eyes were closed. I could see trails of tear stains all down his face and neck. When his eyes opened, I saw them widen slightly as if in shock. I averted my gaze to the mirror and saw what he had probably noticed; my mother was now leaning on the mirror's frame. Her eyes were filled with tears also, but I knew they were of happiness.

Suddenly, I heard Professor Snape gasp. It made me jump with fear because it sounded like he was in pain. I wondered what had happened; he didn't appear injured. Then I realised what must have occurred: reality came crashing down on him. He turned white as a sheet, his lips turned into thin lines, and I knew he was furious with himself.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw him hit the leg of the desk next to him which shook under the force of his power.His scream of agony as he swore made me jump, my heart racing as I watched him struggle with whatever conflict was occurring in his mind and in his heart.

I harsh sob came from his lips as he buried his face in his hands once again, but this time, he was clawing at the back of his head, his forearms pressing heavily into his face. Without truly knowing what I was doing, I felt my legs take me towards him, tears springing to my own eyes as I watched him suffer. In a strange way, it was a loss to see him return to such negative emotions when his joy from moments ago was so rare and precious.I reached out to comfort my professor even though I knew I wouldn't be able to touch him. I felt compelled to do _something. _But before I came close to making contact with him, Professor Snape began to hyperventilate, as if breathing had become difficult for him. He pressed his palms to his eyes, but this didn't seem to help him breathe any easier.

"You're okay, Professor," I whispered instinctively wishing there was something I could do to help him. No matter what he had done to me in the past, I now understood why he treated me the way he did.

Taking some deep breaths to calm himself down, Professor Snape wiped away his tears. I stepped back from him slightly, so I could see what happened next. He looked up into the mirror again, so I looked back as well to see my mother kneeling on his right side. My eyes fell to Professor Snape's arm, where my mother's hands were wrapped tightly around it as if she wanted him to stay with her. In the mirror, I saw Professor Snape turn to his right as if expecting, like I had done myself, to see Lily there next to him. My heart broke for him when he realised once again that all he was seeing was what he wanted to see. It took me a while before I could accept that too, so I understood where he was coming from; it was hard to get used to the Mirror of Erised when it seemed so _real_.

My mother leaned closer to her friend as she gently pressed her lips to his arm, and then raised her head to look into his eyes. I had this overwhelming feeling that she wanted to him to feel better, and even though this was merely a representation of what Professor Snape desired, I knew that my mother would have truly wanted to comfort him. _I _wanted to comfort him; he seemed so vulnerable...

He closed his eyes tightly, and I wondered whether Professor Snape was trying to force himself to walk away, knowing that none of this was real even though he wished it was.

I watched Professor Snape silently, respecting and barely being able to imagine what he was going through. To experience your deepest desire to then realise it could never be reality, would be extremely difficult. I leant up against the wall, my gaze moving between him and my mother, wondering what was going to happen next.

As I had guessed, Professor Snape eventually stood up, but it looked so difficult for him. He exhaled when he moved as if it was the most difficult thing he had ever done in his life. His legs were actually shaking beneath him and I was concerned he would fall back to the ground as if his body protested his leaving her.

I looked into the mirror to see a now standing Professor Snape while my mother still knelt on the ground, her hands reaching out towards him, but no longer able to 'touch' him. I watched my teacher's face when he noticed this and for a moment I wondered whether he would crumble back down, unable to conceive seeing the love of his life reaching out to him, but refusing to grant her the comfort of touching him: real or not. But he didn't give in, and continued to stand there watching her, his eyes full of sorrow as if someone had died. Then his gaze shifted to stare out the window, and I admired his strength for being able to turn away. I walked towards him, my eyes captivated by the silent tears that were pouring down his face.

I stood there lost in thought, but after a few seconds, I turned around to stare at the rest of the room. This position he was standing in was the exact place I found him when I opened the door to this room six years ago. _This_ was the moment I had so mistakenly intruded upon. No wonder why he was so angry at me; he was in pain, hurt and devastated, and I was the last person he wanted to see because I would remind him of _her._

Although there were many other memories I witnessed in the pensive that night, including the one regarding my own fate, I never forgot that memory and what it meant to Professor Snape, and to me...

Now I understood what he was saying during the final moments of his life, and why he pulled me to him and demanded I look into his eyes. He wanted to see my mother's eyes one last time, in case he never saw them again. After so many years struggling with his feelings for my mother, as well as all he had suffered being a spy for Dumbledore, I hoped he was at peace now; he deserved it.

_Thank you, Professor Snape. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy._

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Severus' POV

The light was blinding; I refused to open my eyes.

_Where am I?_

But I did not dare find out. Here, wherever that was, was peaceful. I felt warm and comfortable lying on my back with nothing but my own imagination to distract me. I still held an image of Lily in my mind, her bright green eyes glistening in the sunlight as she watched me in my imagination. It didn't matter where I was, as long as I could think of her and imagine being with her for the rest of my afterlife. At times, I felt myself moving in and out of consciousness, one moment dreaming, to then suddenly being able to manipulate what I saw. But mostly, the image stayed the same; the one I saw in the Mirror of Erised when Lily told me she loved me. She was standing in a meadow, her beautiful red hair flowing in the wind, her red summer dress swirling around her body in a mesmerising way. And now, it didn't matter if I dwelled on this image forever; I was dead and free to do whatever I wished in my afterlife. Thinking about Lily and dreaming of her love was the next best thing to truly being with her.

My thoughts were so utterly lost in my dream that I forgot what had happened and who I had left behind.

_Potter… has he looked at my memories? Has the Dark Lord been defeated? How much time has past since I died?_

At first, I ignored these questions in favour of Lily's eyes as she continued to look loving into mine- it no longer mattered what was happening on Earth because now I could finally live… feeling happy and safe knowing that she was all I needed to think about now.

But after some time, I became curious to know where I was. There was no fire like I had expected to find in Hell, and no one had approached me like I thought they might. I was utterly alone and yet blissfully happy to be so; life had never been this simple. Nevertheless, a nagging feeling in my mind warned me to the fact that I did care about the Wizarding World, and was curious, if nothing else, to know what was happening there.

After spending multiple minutes coaxing myself to make an effort to find someone who could perhaps tell me what happened to Potter and the staff and students of Hogwarts, I finally opened my eyes. I squinted against the bright light, trying to shield my eyes from the blinding pain. Originally my sight was blurry, I could barely see. But slowly everything became focused and I could see Lily's eyes looking down on me. I started; my heart pounding in anticipation. Was it Potter? Had he found me? Was the battle over, and he was dead just like I knew he needed to be?

"Potter?" I grumbled drowsily.

My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when I heard the reply.

"No Sev, it's me."

I felt myself laugh with pure joy; her angelic voice was one I never thought I would hear again. Even though I couldn't see Lily properly, I knew she was smiling, trying to hide her laughter from me. I sat bolt upright then, determined for my sight to improve. I blinked once. Twice. Three times, and then Lily appeared clearly in front of me. My best friend was kneeling next to me, her warm smile one of welcome.

"Hi," she greeted me calmly, though her white teeth sparkled in the light.

I swallowed the lump in my throat; she was so beautiful.

_Is this real?_

_Is this a part of my dream?  
>Dare I hope?<em>

"Severus? Are you okay?" she asked, her eyes now narrowed in concern.

I nodded. There were so many questions I wanted to ask her- so many things I wanted to say, but I could not find the words, I didn't know which to prioritise. I looked around me and eventually asked hesitantly.

"Where am I?"

Lily laughed merrily. It was so precious to hear her voice again.

"In Heaven, where else would you be?" she teased me.

I felt the corner of my lips turn up, my heart racing with hope; indeed, this was my Heaven.

"Mmm, I must be," I sighed contentedly, "because you are with me."

Lily reached over to me to place her hand on my cheek, her eyes brimming with tears. Immediately, I felt myself become emotional; I did not need to dream any longer… perhaps I could be with her in our after life, _forever_.

"This is all I have ever wanted," I told her honestly, my voice thick with emotion.

Lily nodded and I knew she understood how true this was for me.

"I know, but I don't think you understood what I meant," she said gently, her eyes sparkling with tears. "You are in Heaven_, _Severus, just as you deserve to be."

_What? _

I stared at her, my eyes wide with disbelief. My reaction amused Lily, who gave me a beautiful smile and warmly greeted me.

"Welcome home, Sev."

_Home? Could I truly be in Heaven after everything I have done?_

I was in shock, complete and utter shock. But Lily did not appear surprised at all. I stood up in silence, not quite sure what to do with myself as I pondered the fact that not only did Heaven exist, but that I deserved a place in it. Lily stood up with me, and gracefully walked to my side.

I was speechless; overwhelmed by what I was seeing and what I was feeling. I never could have dreamed any of this for myself. I had felt so dark, so lost, so tortured for so long that I needed to give myself time to learn how to cope with the opposite: hope, happiness, and joy. In that moment I could barely speak as my body tried to maintain control over my racing heart and my jittery stomach.

Lily was watching my face expectantly, but as she often did when we were young, she realised that I was not able to speak at that moment. My heart rate increased in intensity when I felt her gentle hand rub my back as she rested her head on my shoulder.

"Harry did it you know?" she whispered to me, her right hand making trails on my back. "Voldemort is dead."

"I am happy to hear it," I told her honestly, finding my voice again; it was easier responding to something that was not directly related to myself.

Lily nodded, her temple moving along my shoulder.

"He could not have done it without you," she told me, and I could hear the gratitude in her voice. "You have no idea how happy I am to see you- to speak with you," she added, her voice becoming louder with excitement as she wrapped her arms around me. I stood still in her arms, looking down on the top of her head as she pressed her cheek into my chest.

"I have been watching you for so long- I have seen everything you have sacrificed to be a valuable spy for Albus. You have been so amazing, Severus. You have no idea how much I respect you. Thank you for watching over Harry and making sure he stayed safe- protecting him just as James and I did. You helped him get this far; if you didn't keep an eye out on him who knows what might have happened. And all those students at Hogwarts this year- can you imagine how much they would have suffered if you hadn't gone through with Albus' plan? What would have happened to them if they had a different headmaster? But still, it pained me to see- to _feel_ how upset you were to have to _be _the person you knew you weren't. I admire you so much Severus, words can barely express my gratitude," Lily spoke quickly and enthusiastically as she squeezed me to her. "We all owe so much to you, Sev. Thank you for everything you had to sacrifice in your life to help my son."

For the first time since seeing Lily, I went to touch her and relished in the feeling of her skin below mine. I gently held on to her wrists as I pulled her off me so I could look into her face.

"It was worth every moment of pain, every sacrifice, and every tear; I did it all for you, Lily," I told her feelingly, wanting her to understand that my love for her was what motivated me from the beginning and what kept me going throughout the last sixteen years of my life.

Lily nodded at me, her eyes filling with tears again. "I know."

"The greatest sacrifice I ever made was losing you," I whispered, my lips trembling in sadness as I recalled how many nights I cried myself to sleep over my foolishness for calling her a 'Mudblood', and then later being responsible for notifying the Dark Lord of the Prophecy. But I was happy too, happy that I had this moment, and hopefully many more to be with her.

A small sob escaped Lily's lips. "I know, Severus. I am so sorry," she cried.

I pulled her to my chest and gave her a hug, the first I had given since we were children.

I felt her arms wrap themselves tightly around me, her warm face pressed into my chest again, as her tears seeped through my shirt.

"It was so hard for me to watch you suffer- you were so miserable, you felt so guilty, and you were in so much pain, and- and I just hoped you'd be okay- that you would find a way to forgive yourself, because Sev, it- it wasn't your fault," she sobbed.

"Shhh," I soothed her quietly, as I kissed Lily on the top of her head. "I see that now."

"Please promise me you'll never forget it," Lily insisted passionately, and I could hear in the tone of her cries how hard it was for her to witness the torture I put myself through for destroying our friendship and her life. "We all make mistakes, but th-thank y-you for loving me that much to turn spy for Albus and for protecting my son. You have n-no idea how much it means to me."

"You are welcome, my dearest Lily. It was not hard to leave the Dark Lord for you; I would have done anything for you," I told her tearfully. "Please stop crying, Lily," I almost begged of her, "or you're going to make me cry."

Lily let go of me so she could look into my eyes. Her face was wet with tears, but her eyes were bright with adoration. I relished in her gaze and seeing those beautiful green eyes look at me in a way I had never seen before.

Reaching up, Lily placed her hand on my cheek and brushed aside a stray tear that fell as I watched her stare so lovingly at me. Then standing on her toes, she gently pulled my face down to hers and kissed me tenderly on the cheek. My heart warmed, not with hope, but with true contentment. Even though Lily and I could only ever be friends, she still _loved_ me. In this place, I knew all that mattered was our love was genuine; it was _real _and felt more amazing than I ever could have dreamed it could be.

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Author's note: So that's the end of 'The deepest desire of our hearts'. Thank you SO much for reading my story, I have definitely enjoyed writing it!

Just a few quick things about this chapter: firstly, you can assume that Lily would have told Severus everything about what happened after his death including Harry's seeing his memories in the pensive, and the fact that Harry actually survived the battle. Also, I really enjoyed writing the final scene between Severus and Lily because I always wondered what would have happened when he saw Lily again (which I assumed would have happened shortly after his death in the Deathly Hallows).

As always, I REALLY look forward to hearing your thoughts about this chapter.

I truly hoped you loved it!

As I mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, if you are curious to know about future stories I will be writing in future, please 'like' my facebook page: Bumblebee_5n4p3. This page will give you access to information regarding when the next chapter for a particular story will be up, any new story ideas I might have, and teasers as well!

Thank you for being amazing readers, you have no idea how much I appreciate all of you!


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